Wednesday, October 28, 2009

4

Is the number of moles I had biopsied this time. Two were right on top of each other so I am thinking its more of 3.5 which is half of the moles I had removed last time. I will know in 2 weeks if they are going to need 6 mm punches, total excisions, or if they are not cancerous/pre-cancerous and need nothing. The mole they biopsied on my back has been biopsied twice before so I would be slightly shocked if all of the sudden there was something wrong with it, but as we know my derm is super cautious so maybe he will remove it anyway. I am just happy that they are all on my legs and back because one botched scar on my arm is enough for now thank you very much.

In other dermatological news, my skin is ridiculously dry and irritated. The areas under my eyes and around my mouth are red, puffy and dry. I have been using Hope in a Jar for two years and I can't even stand to have that on my face. I had a reaction to the wipes they use at MAC and luckily I carry baby wipes in my purse or I would have had an issue. The derm gave me a steriod cream which is calming but is not helping at all with the dryness which in turn is just making me more irritated. I tried the Aveeno calming lotion last year and had a reaction to that also which most people suggest when I tell them about my issues. I picked up a sample of clinique's redness solution cream today and am going to give that a whirl tonight.

Any suggestions? What do you use on your face in the winter?

Friday, October 23, 2009

10/23/2009

How do you like my new, happier background? I was depressing myself with the dark colors, even though they were completely appropriate for the fall season.

I am going to get my head examined at 12:30 today although I am not sure what I am going to talk to him about. Last week I was having an extremely tough time with everything, but I am starting to think a lot of it was mood swing related coming off of the hormones. Or maybe our little mini vacation did more good than I thought it did. Am I sad, of course. Do I feel like my life is over, not at all. I even "applied" to take a business course at our community college, why you even have to apply if you aren't degree seeking is above and beyond me but hey take my ten bucks and run with it. Hopefully after a few semester of taking business and other random classes I can decide what I think I want to do a Masters program in. Either way it will be good to get out of the house and get back into class, which is something I always enjoyed.

So things are beginning to look up. Chris had a dream this week about our 8 year, save up money adoption plan which I thought was sweet. I found out this week there are no longer any adoption agencies in my state that do international adoption. They all lost their Hauge Accreditations. I am not sure if it was a monetary thing or something else but regardless we will have to look elsewhere when we start to get more serious about it. I did order some information packets from a few different agencies that serve the entire US so it will be fun going through them when we get them in.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Watch out for razor blades

I ended up in urgent care last night after I sliced my finger with a razor blade. Yeah not the smartest thing in the world, especially since Chris kept telling me to be careful or I would cut myself. It was all for a good cause though...I made a feral cat shelter for my 2 kittens who are living by the abandoned house next door. After I was glued back together and given a tetanus shot Chris finished the shelter for me and we put it outside for the kitties.

A quick word on the glue...get the stitches instead. I have already busted open the cut while I was sleeping somehow and now I have butterfly band aids on. Its on the inside of my finger and what is one more nasty scar at this point but I am sure it would have healed nicer with the stitches. On the plus side I don't need to go back to get the stitches out.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hating everything right now

That basically sums up how I feel about my life at this point. I feel so frigging blah. My fibro is already acting up and I just made an appointment with my old pain doctor but the earliest appointment she has is over a month away. Here is the dilemma as far as pain meds go...if I want to keep trying on my own to get pregnant I can not go back on Lyrica. If I go back on Lyrica I will also have to go back on some sort of birth control which would suck. The other thing is that Lryica takes forever to get on and off and I won't need it in the warmer months. I could go back on Lodine or some other anti-inflammatory and hope for the best. Maybe its good that my appointment is a month away and I will have a better idea at that time of what I am going to need to help me get through the winter without being a total and complete bitch.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Thanks, but no thanks

Why oh why must everyone give me their ill researched opinions on what we should be doing? You should adopt...so what, I just snap my fingers and adopt? Is that how it works in your world? Because in mine you need 30k to adopt. And why the hell should I adopt, maybe you should stop having your own kids and adopt if its so easy and wonderful to do.

Just wait and eventually you will get pregnant? We had the nicest guy in our car this weekend telling us of a friend who had 4 miscarriages but ended up having 10 kids. My response...I have had 4 miscarriages , my embryos suck, that chances are that won't be us. Why can people not accept that some women just won't get pregnant, EVER. Repeat with me, some people will never, ever, ever, ever have a healthy pregnancy that results in a live baby. It's sad, but it's true.

If you can't just say sorry, do you need anything...just say nothing. This sort of goes for everything...unless you have been exactly in someone's situation just say you are sorry and offer support. This is one major lesson I have learned throughout this stupid journey.

My new motto...fake it til you make it. I figure one morning a long time from now I will wake up and actually not care that I will never have my own kids, but for now I will just pretend it I don't care.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

WTF appointment update

No answers just more questions as usual. Among them are....

1. Are my eggs bad or is the high dosages of hormones lowering their quality? My RE really has no clue as I have gotten pregnant on my own 4 times although I did lose all 4 so were those just normal flukes or a result of bad eggs. My hormone levels have always come out fine and I passed the clomid challenge with flying colors.

2. What in the hell am I allergic to? Is it a certain preservative that is causing these massive reactions or something else? For my safety in the future since this was such a large reaction that the medrol is doing nothing for I made an appointment with an allergist/immunologist in November. My doctor is going to work with him to see what I can take if we decide to cycle again with donor eggs in the future.

He did say that histamine reactions in the body don't bode well for trying to get pregnant which seems pretty obvious. If, and this is a big if, we decide to go the donor egg route I would stay on a high dose of medrol the entire time no matter what drugs we think may be safe.

My options:

1. Minimal stimulation cycle- he has only ever done 3 of these and they are not historically very successful. He thinks he will get a better idea if my egg quality is bad vs. is it the meds making it bad if we agree to this option. Although if it doesn't work we would still "try" on our own anyway so whats the point of putting myself through that.

2. Donor eggs/embryos once we find out if I can safely take the PIO without a reaction. This is a possibility, but a way down the line possibility once we have the funds and are in a better mind set.

3. International Adoption- this is my favorite option but again funds are an issue and DH is leaning more towards donor eggs.

4. Live childless- I can't stomach this one right now, but maybe after a few years of not trying and living IF day in and day out it will be something I will be interested in.

So basically thats that. I am trying so very hard to remain positive with all of this and during the day I seem to be doing pretty well, but its such a btch at night lying there wondering how I ended up here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Beta was zero

So that's all she wrote folks. I went in today to get my rash looked at and they are sure its an allergic reaction to progesterone in general, not the carrier oil as they had thought before. It makes you wonder if I am allergic to all progesterones or just synthetic ones? The nurse even mentioned being allergic to pregnancy as a whole but I am not sure exactly what that entails and could find nothing on dr. google relating to that. Who knows and since my egg quality is so bad I guess it really doesn't matter. Although the reactions that I have to PIO shots sort of kill the possibility of using donor eggs since I would have to take PIO then also.

Now I have to go to urgent care after work and get a shot of steriods and then I have a follow up with my doctor tomorrow at 12:45. I hope to god that's my final appointment as I am not going back to have him look at my rash and then going back again a week later to go over my failed cycle. Plus, since we have no plans of ever cycling again(obviously) I have no intention of going back twice.

Let's top the last cycle off with an rash

BFN again, no shocker there. What was lots of fun was the full body rash I woke up to this morning. I tapered off of the high dose steroid they had me on this weekend so I can only assume this rash is from the PIO. Long story short is that I called my clinic this morning to see if they will do the beta today instead of Thursday so I can come off my meds and then hopefully this sucky, itchy rash will go away.

I would like to say that I am doing totally fine, but I am not. Driving alone in the car is when it is the worst and where I do most of my crying. I don't know what to do. I am applying to grad school to get my masters in Administration of Justice/Criminal Behavior. I have looked over the syllabus and the classes all look interesting and I love studying criminology so I am hoping this will be a good fit for me. Although again I only feel like I am doing it because at this point I have nothing better to do with my life. grr...

Monday, October 5, 2009

7dp5dt

Complaints of the day
1. I thought I saw a line today but realized it was just a shadow or my imagination
2. Massively swollen groin lymph node that I can only assume at this point is from my egg retrieval as I have never developed one from bikini line shaving before. I realize I should probably call the doctor but I am so over this and I will see them on Thursday
3. I didn't even get any boobs this time from the progesterone
4. Cramps so bad they are waking me up in the middle of the night

Saturday, October 3, 2009

5dp5dt

or 5dp6dt since I still have no idea which embryo was used. I tested this morning...BFN of course. I know that it may still be too early to get a positive on a pregnancy test but seeing the stark white tests is getting me ready for the inevitable next week. I had to go in this morning for a E2/p4 check for whatever reason so I am waiting to hear back what those results are.

The nurse gave me a prescription for the ice burn on my arse so I am looking forward to picking that up and maybe I will get some relief. As of yesterday I started having panic attacks since I basically have no idea what I am going to do with my life when this fails. How do I even start to get over the fact that I will never have children? I actually had to pull the car over and take my socks and shoes off I freaked out so bad. The clinic made me promise I would continue with my meds until Thursday. I can't promise that, but I can promise to take them at least through Wednesday at which point I will be 9dp5dt and if its not positive by then its not going to be.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Cooking with Tilapia

I am slowly getting back into cooking. I basically just don't cook in the summer because its just too damn hot but Chris asked me a few weeks ago to please start cooking again. (who wouldn't start cooking for a husband that claims he likes your food?) I am so glad I did, one good dinner can pretty much make my night. I am easy like that.

Frozen tilapia fillets are wonderful for a variety of reasons. They are cheap when bought in bulk, healthy, and the defrost in under ten minutes when thrown into water. The days of being mad at myself for forgetting to take meat out of the freezer when I leave for work are now over as I can just reach for a few tilapia fillets and make a great meal.

Last night I made this. It was beyond delicious.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

3dp5dt or start of the yuckies

Stating that I feel gross today is an understatement. Nausea is kicking my ass all over the wonderful state of Delaware. It started yesterday and hasn't really let up although I am pretty sure it is from one of the oral meds I am taking as it starts as soon as I take that. Although I do take it as soon as I wake up so who knows if that is exactly what its from. Either way, all I really want to do right now is puke. IVF med side effects can pretty much suck it as there is no way this is from our little embryo yet, that is if it even stuck. So I am going to be my best to be as happy go lucky and non miserable as possible for the next five days because I figure if I don't have a positive test by then we know its all over and I can stop these awful hormones.