Yipee!

My uro appointment went great on Friday afternoon. I had two consecutive clear urnie cultures so that's a definite positive. I don't think that has happened in over a year so I am doing the happy dance about that. I am not going to do the herapin cocktail as it just too expensive plus the whole cath/uti issue.

My husband is being a total pain in the ass. He has been in a mood for weeks now. Snippy constantly then tells me I have an attitude problem. I know there has been a major slow down at his work and he is worried about that. He has let himself go and he rarely goes to the gym anymore. Everything is a huge deal for him. Fixing the house, his business, yada yada yada...it's always my life is so awful. It sucks to be me. So last night I finally had enough and we had a nice little screaming match which is totally ridiculous but he would not talk like a civilized person. I told him he needs to prioritize and then pair down what he is doing. Now he wants to have a heart to heart tonight. I realize he is pretty down, maybe even depressed, it wouldn't be the first time I have seen him depressed and he needs to get some help. He told me last night I should just deal with his moods, but I don't think so. When I was depressed over the IF stuff he got me right into counseling and it has helped so much, so no me dealing with him is not going to happen. That's about it for now.

Uro appointment in four hours

Ohh...this should be fun. I told them earlier this week I was not coming in so they could cath me to get urine right from my bladder. Everytime I get a cath I end up with a UTI so if I don't have one right now why in the hell would I want a cath? I am going to give them a new sample today and if it is still coming back inconclusive then I will think about the cath issue.

They are also going to talk to me about the lidocaine/herapin cocktail that he wants me to get to see if it will help with my IC. Again, it is put in through a catheter so I am very unsure about what to do.

The good news is that I had wonderful, painless sex last night.

Cookies and Ice Cream

They never did add another Hearty Soups class so I signed up for the Cookies and Ice Cream class. We all know I totally suck ass at making cookies most of the time so hopefully this class will help.

More kudos and some IF cleansing

I opened up our bi-weekly report and I received more kudos for having an error free case in September. So there you go, it doesn't mean much but it always good to have them in your file for when you go to a lateral interview.

I decided this morning after doing some meditating that I am going to give away my extra opks, most of my pregnancy tests, and some of my books. C seemed upset yesterday when I told him that I thought I wanted to give the pill a whirl again for a while. He really thought that next month I would say I wanted to start trying again and I feel bad. I am sick to death though of having UTIs, then yeast infections, the hormonal fibro/arthritis flares, and then at the end not getting pregnant. It's been two years and as I said before I am not ready to put my body through even more with the fertility drugs. I hate the pill but at the end of the day I will take some nausea over the bladder pain for the two weeks after I ovulate. Nothing is permanent, I can go on the pill and if it doesn't help I can come off of it. I think that people thought I was kidding when I said that we aren't going to just get pregnant. I can't just be off the pill in lala land hoping it will happen one day.

We did talk about adoption yesterday at lunch and we both seem to be on board, but of course we are years away from saving up enough money to have a decent emergency fund and then have 26 grand left over to adopt. The ultimate plan was to have one, then adopt one. Having our own just doesn't feel right to me anymore. I feel like I am pushing something that isn't supposed to happen. There is an adoption seminar in March that I think I am going to see if C wants to go to with me just so we can start to get our feet wet and at least see if we want to do international vs domestic. I was looking at one of the sites yesterday and clicked on the Vietnam adoption page. They had a photo journey of the orphanages, the buddha statues, and other cultural sites. When I saw the buddha though I thought hmmm...that is interesting. Of course they are not taking applications anymore right now for Vietnam or Guat. because of laws that are being passed. The wait list now for China is 2 to 4 years and they said that happens every time they hold the Olympics. So that does give us plenty of time to save up money.

In the meantime we are going to Niagara/Buffalo for four days at the end of this month and we are hitting Vegas at the beginning of June. I am super excited about that. I also have to call the local community college today to see if I can still sign up for the baking class. Fun stuff. I am also exploring the idea of trying to learn Spanish again. I took four semesters of it in college and got good grades but truly can't speak a lick of it and I also can't understand a damn thing anyone is saying which is funny because I picked up German with no problem and can still understand what they are saying and I took those classes over ten years ago.

I rock

I just received my first kudos at work for a suggestion I made at our unit meeting yesterday. It is going to really piss off our counterparts upstairs but I will get over that pretty easily. Oh wait, yep, I am over it. I am also now the POC for a focus group that should be starting in a few months regarding error rates so that should be tons of fun also plus I can put it on my resume which is why I really signed up for it in the first place.

One more thing

I also just signed up for a cooking class. I tried to sign up for two but one was already full. I have been talking about taking cooking classses forever, now my first one is in April. Gourmet on the Go. The one that was full already was Hearty Soups but they said if they get enough people they will add another day so I just might get to take that one also.

New Direction

March is right around the corner, it was also our deadline that if we were not pregnant we would go back to the RE and start IUIs. I am still going to therapy, meditating, and reading up on Buddhism. I realized that I do not like how 2007 went for me mentally. I was a wreck, I cried every time I got my period, I became bitter and that is not who I am. I forgot what was important and that is C and the pugs. The four of us are the perfect family unit. I am not ready to put my body through the ringer with fertility drugs. A lot of that has to do with my overall pain levels. I am finally feeling good after about two years of not knowing why I was in pain and what could be done about it. The medicine I am taking for the painful bladder problem is finally working. I can take vitamin C everyday and I had two glasses of wine last night and I feel FINE this morning. My bladder isn't killing me for once after drinking. I am not ready to give up this feeling of feeling good. I am not sure what that means, does it mean I don't want kids bad enough? I don't think so but who knows. All I know is that I need to point my life in a different direction and when we feel ready we will come back to actively trying to have a baby. If I get pregnant between now and then, great, but if I don't then that is fine also.

So you ask yourself what are you going to do now...well we are going to do all of the things we wouldn't be able to do if we had kids. We are going to travel, relax, finish the house, demo the deck, ect. In a month we are off to Buffalo for my godchild's christening and then we are going to go to Niagara Falls for three days. I bought the two 1000 places to see before you die books, international and USA/Canada to get some ideas of places we can take four day trips to. A few months ago I kept having weird dreams about being in car accidents and according to the dream analysis books it meant that I needed to make a major change in my life and I think this is it. Now that I am calmer I don't mind my job as much. If I am getting annoyed I just turn everything off and do a mini vacation meditation. I need to continue letting go and enjoying more. My therapist last night said I sounded very wise. I like the sound of that. I am sure I will have some setbacks along the way, but don't we all.

The best way to piss off your wife

Is to call her crazy, especially if she is having a crazy moment. Do they really think we don't know we are having a crazy moment? The last thing I need when I am at the end of my rope is for my husband to call me crazy, that sends me right over the edge and he knows it. Sometimes I think he does it just to piss me off because he thinks its funny to see me all riled up.

My lovely mother dearest also told me this weekend that my husband was going to leave me because I am such a wackjob on occasion. Really, try being me for a few days particularly around my period and it's bound to drive you crazy also. I am a hormonal mess, my body kills me, plus I have the irrational IF thoughts floating through my head. I told her this and then she started to cry. Oh lord.

Compassion while driving

I am just not there yet. Being inside my head while driving is a pretty funny trip at this point. Before when somone cut me off I would just honk and give the finger without thinking twice about it. Now, I honk, give the finger and then immediately think "damn it, I shouldn't have done that. Maybe that was a super important phone call that the man was on that almost caused him to run me off the road. Breathe in breathe out. You are fine, there is no need to flip him off. Next time try not to do it..."

Two more cycles

Until we go back to the RE to start something. I finally just got my period on lovely day 36. I was three days late this month thank you very much. I didn't get my hopes up much this month because at this point I think it is pretty much hopeless. I am not being negative, just realistic. We have been having unprotected sex for almost two years and I have yet to ever get pregnant so see it's not really a negative thought, just a realistic one.

I also hate the fact that I decided to take the Prozac, I put off being on anything for years with my anxiety problems. I will have to say though that I think it is helping me out tremendously. I am upset I got my period but not "the world is going to end" upset. I meditated again this morning and I read my book during lunch so I think it's a step in the right direction. All I do have to say is that relaxing is not going to get me pregnant, I couldn't have been more relaxed if I tried this month.

My aunt wants me to be the godmother to her newborn. This of course is the woman who struggled with IF for years but did end up having three children and then got pregnant out of the blue nine months ago. I love her and all of my aunts but if I hear one more time about how good this is for me I am going to blow, I will be on the pill because of my pain problems so this isn't going to happen for me. Gee, thanks. So, it looks like we will be headed north sometime in the next few months for the christening.

2 Days Late

I just had to type that out somewhere because we all know that as soon as we write it out somewhere or buy a pregnancy test you get your period. I am sure next time I hit the bathroom I will get my period. I am not even sad anymore, I am just annoyed at this point. I am fine, C is fine but we still aren't pregnant and seriously I couldn't have been more relaxed then I was this cycle. So the whole relax theory didn't work for us either but hey whatever. In the grand scheme of things I suppose it's not that big of a deal.