02/17/2009

Thinking about adoption gives me panic attacks, literally.  We are going to two different workshops in the upcoming months which should give us a lot of insight on what we want to do.  We are not comfortable with open domestic adoptions and that is all that they have in Delaware.  I can just imagine our child becoming a teenager and abadoning us for their much cooler bio mom.  Really, I stay up at night worrying about these things.  I have read horror story after horror story of families who adopted domestically outside of their race.  The children growing up to resent the parents for adopting them.  I have had clients in my office who state they want to adopt, work with the agencies and then decide last minute not too.  This would be our luck.  

The only obvious decision that we have made so far is that we are going to look into international adoption.  We are going to need a minimum of 25k and chances are it will be more like 30k.  That makes me want to throw up and cry all at the same time.  We just got out of credit card debt and if we take out a loan for that amount we won't be able to afford our house, the loan payment and daycare.  We could save up and live like we did back when we had no money on ramen noodles but that is not what I want either.  Chris wants me to stay positive but all I can think is that we are just screwed.  Yes, we could go back into serious debt but that just opens a whole other can of worms.  Constant worrying about money, fighting because of constant worry, ect.  

Maybe this is the reason I have had headaches off and on for a few weeks now.