Another miscarriage

We found out on Saturday that our sweet baby stopped growing last week sometime. From the looks of how the baby was developing the RE and his assistant think we are looking at some sort of genetic issue which totally sucks but we will know for sure in three weeks exactly what happened.

My new RE is really great, I was crying in his office saying I wanted to give up and that I keep killing my embryos. He told me that my journey was like swimming across the Atlantic and that I am halfway there. No sense in stopping now. I just hope he is right. He is surprisingly optimistic about the whole thing and thinks it was a miracle I even got pregnant. He keeps telling us that this is a great sign because of my eggs were as bad as I am thinking I would not be getting pregnant in the first place. I see where he is coming from.

I was an absolute wack job when I came out of anesthesia today. I apparently was hysterically crying about how the d&e was basically an abortion and I can't believe I aborted my baby. I was also saying something about how I think my embryos are so bad since I was raped. I know I don't actually think that, but I have talked to my therapist about the fact that maybe I am infertile because of the rape. It's some whole blame thing.

So, I am out of work for a week which is nice since it is supposed to be such a gorgeous week out. I was off Friday anyway for the holiday so I am really only taking four days off and my boss is going to FMLA it and she is going to let me use my vacation time since I have SO MUCH of it saved up.

Heartbeat!!!

We went in for our second ultrasound yesterday and we saw the heartbeat! We have a weeks worth of growth from last week and his/her heart is beating at 114bpm. It took us a while to get the actual heart rate since mine was beating so fast and pushing the sac in rhythm to my heartbeat which we all found amusing. Hopefully next Saturday I will be more relaxed and it will be easier for them to get it.

It's amazing that last week all we could see was a yolk sac and now you can actually see the baby.

I am going to leave my ticker as is for now I think even though I am probably a few days behind what it says because I don't feel like changing it each time I go. It's not likely that they will be right on time anyway:)

We have a yolk sac!

Chris and I went in for our first ultrasound yesterday. I was so nervous that I had my meditation oasis podcast on and the nurse said I looked like I was close to tears in the waiting room. As soon as they put in the magic dildo cam I saw that there was something inside the ges. sac! OMG, you can't imagine the relief since we had the blighted ovum last time.(nothing ever grew in the sac) The PA said that I seem to be measuring around 5w3d instead of 5w5d but I am not going to split hairs over that since we did have a little stall at first in my hcg levels.

Everything is on track right now and we go back next week to look for a fetal pole and perhaps a heartbeat!

1022!

That was my beta! We were looking for 300 at most, my nurse said she ran the numbers twice because she couldn't believe it. I am in shock, we pretty much have caught up to what the average is. I luckily do not need to go back for anymore betas and my first u/s will be next Wednesday afternoon. She said I could come in this Friday and that we may see something. I don't want to go, see nothing, and then I will totally freak out because of the previous b/o. At 5w5d we should at least see a ges sac, yolk sac, and a fetal pole.

Nervous Nelly

That is how I am feeling right now. My next beta is tomorrow morning and it should be somewhere in the neighborhood of 280ish. My most prominent symptom right now is the nausea. When I first wake up, drive, and right before I go to bed I basically just want to hurl my guts up. The only thing it is really effecting right now is my morning workouts, I just can't do them feeling that sick. I am still walking a few miles each night so that will just have to do for now. I also feel like I might have a UTI, but it could also just be the hormones causing my IC to go wacky. I am going to have to remember to tell my nurse tomorrow so she can test me and get me started on antibiotics if I need them.

That's about it. My motto right now is...it is extremely rare to have more than one blighted ovum in a row...everything is fine...

A miracle for me

I went in for what we thought would be my final beta today and come to find out it won't be my last at all.  My beta doubled from Thursday and then some.  Damn early beta!  A few theories are that two embryos implanted and one stopped growing which apparently can throw your numbers off or my body just hadn't fully metabolized the hcg trigger by 11 dpo.   Who knows, either way my prog and estrogen are also right on target so I know don't have to go back until next Wed!  

13 dpo- 33

15 dpo- 73.5

Miscarrying again

I found out on Tuesday that we were pregnant and my beta was 41, not too bad for 11 dpo.  As of yesterday my beta had already fallen to 33.  I go back one more time on Saturday to confirm the miscarriage and I am hoping my numbers will be around 15 or so at that point and the actual miscarriage itself will start soon.

Do we give up at this point?  Obviously something is seriously wrong.  Every time I manage to get pregnant I lose it, one m/c and 2 c/ps in the past twelve months alone.  A disaster IVF.  Maybe my eggs really are just shot to shit.  

Everyone keeps telling me this will make me stronger.  All infertility has done for me is...

made me lose my faith although I barely had any to begin with, made me fat, bitter for a while, lose my mind to the point that I was in therapy and on prozac last year(I have since stopped both),  made me question my worth as a woman, question my worth as a person because why can all of my clients get pregnant and I can't, and finally lose all hope that this will ever turn out any different.