New Year's Eve

I will have to admit that New Year's is not one of my favorite holidays.  It could be the $50 a person to get into a bar-no thanks.  Or maybe it is because my parents never made a big deal about it growing up.  Either way, the fact that it is a new year doesn't really do anything for me.  It will just be Thursday to me.

I swore last New Years Eve that this year would be better.   It was not for the most part where our infertility was concerned.   We started off with what was most likely my first cp.  Gushing blood at my goddaughter's baptism is always a blast.  Then I ended up pregnant again in May, but there was some sort of abnormality and it ended up being a blighted ovum.  More positive pregnancy tests after my IUI only to have another cp.  Then there was the hellish IVF process that ended in disaster.   Looking back, 2007 was a peice of cake ttc wise compared to 2008.

There was a lot of good also.  After the baptism Chris and I went to Niagra Falls for a few days.  Looking back on those pictures I will have to say that out of all of our vacations it looked like we enjoyed ourselves the most there.  I can't wait to go back and cruise around the wine country again and sneaking tons of wine back into the U.S.

My pain issues are for the most part totally under control.  Elmiron was a complete savior where my bladder is concerned.   I have not had a UTI in a long, long time.  I can drink soda and have a beer without worrying what it is going to feel like going to the bathroom in the morning.  I am not on anything for my fibromyalgia and for the most part I feel great, even in this cold weather. The only otc meds I have taken in the past few months was advil and that was for a massive headache, caused by the lovely fertility meds.  My OCD issues are under control for the most part with the help of pro.zac.  I am not a big one antidepressents but not checking the stove and other random things before I leave the house everyday is a huge plus.  I actually used to drive down the road and turn around to make sure that all of the doors were locked.  Wacky, I know.

So there has been good and bad this year and I will take them both.  2009 might not be perfect, but knowing that our ttc journey is over gives me some peace that I have not had in two years.  Who knows what the year will bring but as far as I can tell I seem to be heading in the right direction.  I will take no bio baby if it means that my pain issues are all under control.  The good with the bad, right?  I could not imagine having a baby and being back in the sort of pain I was in a year ago.  I am not sure if that is how it works, no baby for Kate, but we can clear up her pain.  Who knows.

12/29/2008

And we are back! IVF was a total and complete disaster. It took me six weeks to suppress, then we got 14 eggs and only 7 fertilized. On day 5, there was only one fragmented and fair embryo left. We put the embryo back and then realized that I am allergic to sesame oil and I still have hives on my arse from the PIO shots. I have gained at least ten pounds since the miscarriage in May and I have stretch marks on my thighs from my IVF cycle. I go in on Friday for my follow up appointment but we have been told to start thinking about embryo adoption or donor eggs. I am not ready to think of either right now.

The good news is that we are leaving in less than a week for a vacation that we desperately need. I have also been doing really well, mood wise, for the past few days. I got a mani/pedi yesterday and spent the afternoon with myself. It was great. Being able to pamper myself now without freaking about money is going to be a major plus in all of this. I can't wait to get massages on the beach next week in Mexico. I wish we could just leave today. The sad part is that I am already packed and we don't leave until Saturday afternoon!

Back to the old

Blog that is. www.peachykate.blogspot.com

There is no point to be on the peachydoes ivf blog anymore since that is all over!

12/26/2008

The day after Christmas..aka...shopping extravaganza for Kate and Chris. Chris and I hit up the outlets today and I got a ton of stuff with the money my mother in law gave me for Christmas. All new pants, two sizes bigger then I wore a year ago. Oh well. It's my damn hips, I could lose a ton of tummy weight and still not get the damn pants over my thighs/hips. Chris also had me buy some colorful sweaters since he says that I always look like I am going to a funeral because my clothes are so bland.

As far as Christmas went we had a wonderful day. Everyone loved their presents which made us very happy. My mom only asked us once what our next step would be and I just told her traveling for a while. Chris and I had a long talk about whether or not I am actually going to go to school or not and what else I want to do in general. I will eventually figure it all out I assume. The only thing I am thinking about now is vacation in a week.

Christmas Eve

I am not in the most Christmasy mood ever, but I am not doing too bad. I have decided after our WTF appointment next Friday it is going to be a long time before I even start to think about what I want to do about our current situation and talk it over with Chris.

On to what I do want to do. Chris and I have talked about doing our trips to Hawaii and Ireland. I am even thinking of bringing up the Winter Olympics in 2010. I went to the Atlanta Olympics and it was such an awesome experience. Chris wants to move more towards Wilmington when the economy eventually picks back up and I have no desire to do that. I love my town, I love my house, I love how much I pay for my house on a monthly basis. In one of my bitchier moments yesterday I said that if we moved up there we might as well buy a condo because there is no point in having a bigger house. Chris said well we will if we adopt, but then of course we won't have money to buy a bigger house anyway. It's a catch-22.

I know this is going to sound selfish but whatever. I can't wrap my head around spending 26-30k to adopt. We just paid off 26k in credit card debt and I can't begin to imagine having that much debt again. Plus throw in the fact that with domestic adoption you might put out a ton of money only to have the mother decide against adoption and you lose some of that money. Years ago we researched Chinese adoptions but there waiting list is now seven years long or something ridic like that. How in the world could we afford a loan payment plus daycare every month? It would be so expensive. We would end up right back where we were a few years ago fighting all of the time about money and being super stressed out.

Here is my last gripe of the day. If one more person tells me to just ask my sister to donate her eggs is going to get it. Even if it is my sister donating eggs, it is still 10k to have her do it. She is only 20 and who knows what quality her eggs are. Maybe if she was seven years older, not younger and was a proven fertile mertile I would think about it. It's not like you can just wave a magic wand and take her eggs out.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Lost

I am grateful that we did IVF because at least now we know that our chances of having a bio child are slim to none even if we don't really know the reason for it. I like to know things, definite things, no more wavering on will I or won't I be pregnant. The answer is no so I can stop even thinking about it on a monthly basis.

I don't think donor eggs is going to be an option for me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that our child will be half DH and half someone else. I don't need to have a bio link to our child, but I feel weird in our child only having a link to one of us. Like he/she will be DH's child and not mine. A child made with someone else's egg versus a baby/embryo we will be adopting together. I am an all or nothing girl. DH doesn't feel strongly that we try donor eggs so I think we will research adoption and embryo donation down the line, with embryo donation being the first option.

The only reason I applied to grad school was so that I could make more money for when we had kids. I am of course going to still go because I simply just don't like to fail but I don't see the point. We live in a little home that we can afford, we no longer need a bigger house. If we go regular adoption it will take us YEARS to save up the money and who knows if we will even be eligible for embryo donation with my pain issues.

WTF am I even doing with myself? Since I am clueless at the time, I have decided to dive back in to studying buddhism. I am hoping to find some comfort. I know there is nothing we can do to change this. It is what it is. It is sad though.

Under the weather

I have had the stomach bug since Saturday night! It is so gross and I am still not completely over it yet. I am down five pounds at this point which is up five as of Sunday night. I am going to attempt to eat a piece of toast in a bit when I can get a break at work.

I am not pregnant. IVF #1 was a bust. I called the office back yesterday and asked if we could get an appointment sooner then the end of January and she fit me in next Friday so we are happy about that. We are not going to do treatments again anytime soon but I am so curious to know what they think happened and if there is anything that can be done. Or if we do have to start thinking about donor eggs or adoption.

So that is that in a nutshell. I have to go in this afternoon for my official beta and then this nightmare of an IVF will be over with!

7dp5dt

I tested this morning because we all know I just can't help myself and it was negative. No shocker there. I am feeling extremely numb to all of this. It's not fair, but no one ever said that life was fair.

I am going to test tomorrow and then again on Monday. If it's still negative then I am going to call the clinic and schedule our WTF appointment and see if I can do my beta sooner then 16dp5dt. I am not starting to wonder if they are closed next week and that is the reason they are making me wait so long to do the blood test.

6dp5dt

Holy over emotional alert! I am ready to cry at the drop of a hat today, it's not a pretty thing. Maybe I just need to get some more sleep.

As far as symptoms go, nothing has changed. Luckily, my rash has gotten much better so maybe it had nothing to do with the PIO shot and it was just some freak occurrence. I am not holding out much hope since I am so emotional today. This is always how I get before I get my period and I usually get it 12 dpo, which would technically be tomorrow. Oh well, I think it would be much harder say if we put in two grade A embryos, but being that we knew this most likely wouldn't stick anyway hopefully I won't be so disappointed.

5dp5dt

Crazy Rash-check
Nausea-check
Bruised ass-check check
killer boobs-check
stopped myself from testing-check

I am so damn happy it's Thursday!!!

Spaztastic

Is that fact that I am a total spaz that transparent? I am rolling here at the comment from my last post. OCD at it's best baby! There is no way in hell I am shooting my ass with PIO for an extra week if this didn't work.

Update on the rash~ they think I am allergic to sesame oil and are switching me to olive oil. Hopefully I will have the new meds sometime by the end of the week.

4dp5dt

I woke up with a rash on my chest and neck this morning! Ugh. So not attractive to say the least. It's not itchy, doesn't look like hives(which I get from time to time), I have not changed detergent/soap/shampoo, and I did not eat anything weird yesterday. It is above and beyond me at this point what the rash is from.

As far as symptoms go I have an upset stomach, sore boobs(going on 2 months now), and cramping/pulling in the ute area. All of these could be from the progesterone plus me getting my period so only time will tell if they are real of fake symptoms!

I only have 4 pregnancy tests left and I am trying to decide how to space them out. I am thinking Friday to test out the trigger, then again on Sunday and the following Tuesday. By Tuesday I will be 10dp5dt so I am thinking that will be more then enough time for some hcg to show up in my system if this IVF worked. Would you space them out differently?

My embie

Embryologist just called

To tell me that none made it to freeze. Yep, we already knew that. She wasn't sure if the doctor told me exactly what was going on during Saturdays transfer or not. I guess sometimes they don't offer up info about how the other ones are doing not to upset the patient. Who knows.

I also talked to the IVF coordinator who is working on getting us our freeze refund and getting Chris' insurance information straightened out. We can go back basically any time we want to in the upcoming months for our follow up appointment where we can discuss other options. Ouch! The one thing they did tell me that embryo quality is the one thing they can not change.

I will have to say it does look like our IVF journey may be coming to an end if this does not work. Our insurance does not cover PGD or donor eggs and we don't have the extra cash for it. We did talk about adoption over the weekend, but same thing. We don't have 26-30k laying around in an account anywhere. I am sure we eventually will but it will be no time within the next few years. I am just so thankful that we did not put in an offer on the house we liked last month. I could not imagine moving into a much bigger home when it just us and the pugs.

Two good things I keep coming back to:
1) I have not had a UTI for the past year and my IC has calmed down to the point to where sex no longer hurts and I can drink the occasional acidic drink without feeling like my urethra is on fire.
2) I am on no drugs as of today and my fibro is incredibly under control compared to last year.
I am super thankful for both of these, plus my wonderful husband and puggers.

Bedrest is done!!!

That was torture for me(I think because it is not shown whether it helps or not)! At the 3 hours mark I thought I was going to go nuts. I watched four movies, played word soup, and then I finally just went to bed and laid there until 11 am this morning. That was about enough for me, but Chris is still not letting me do much of anything. He said I am not even allowed in the car today!

I have my embies picture up on the fridge! My little fragmented embie is adorable to me. I amnot at all upset about the way it turned out, this is apparently what was supposed to be so I am going with the flow. The PIO and estrace must be starting to get to me because I was throwing up this morning. I keep trying to tell Chris that it doesn't mean anything except for the fact that my body is very sensitve to hormone changes. I am now sucking down ginger ale and saltines.

I'll update later this week when I start testing out the trigger. Fun times;)

One fighter left standing

That's all we had left when we went in this morning. One lone fighter in the bunch. He is fragmented and the quality still was not very high. Time will tell if he sticks or not.

Chris and I decided we will take another long break if this fails. We will go to our WTF appointment to see if they are going to suggest donor eggs at this point. When I spoke to the embryologist she wanted to know how old I was because of how bad my eggs did. I had to giggle a bit at that one. It's not funny at all, but it was either that or cry so I chose to laugh.

They didn't schedule my beta for over two weeks from today which I find a bit ridiculous and I am sure I will be testing before then.

Update it is in

And it is not at all pretty. Out of the 6, 1 stopped dividing. The rest all all fair quality and fragmented. We are not even sure if we are going to go through with the transfer and we are definitely not going to freeze these poor eggs. From everything I have read fragmeneted, fair eggs have a low rate of implantation and a high rate of m/c. I just can't believe there wasn't 1 decent one in the bunch. From how bad they sounded I would even be surprised if any make it until Saturday.

That's about it. They do want us to go in on Saturday still so the embryologist can talk to us. After this will take a long, possibly permanent break. I could deal with the ok response to the meds, then we had the less then stellar fert rate and to top it all of they are not dividing correctly. It would seem this problem is slightly bigger then just tweaking th meds a bit.

Unexplained my left ass cheek!

Still no embie update

It is now 4:11 est and I still have not received a call yet from the clinic. I have remained calm most of the day figuring that some women in my group are still doing retrievals and I am sure there are a lot more embryos in the lab today vs how many were in there on Tuesday. They close in 20 minutes though! I have tried not to call and bother them all day but I think I am going to have to soon. I just want to know that we have a few left.

Tagged

I was tagged by Gaia today! Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. I used to be "allergic" to myself. Everytime I would stress out, I would break out in hives.
2. I was a high level gymnast and hated it so much at the end I would hide in my room so I would not have to go to practice.
3. I have been to Disney World at least 25 times.
4. I have heroin addict-like veins in my arms from so many blood draws during the past three years.
5. The RC church told my husband and I we could not get married there and that our marriage would fail if we didn't start trying to have kids right away.
6. I have mild OCD and when it is acting up I double and triple check the stoves and doors before I leave the house.
7. I love to play word games.

I am tagging
Echloe
The Worms
517butterfly
Life and Love in a Petri Dish
t.bird
Meepit
Jackiemac

My arse is on fire!!!

Well that is actually a bit of a stretch. I am still having a weird reaction to the trigger shot. First it was a welt the size of a softball, then it was just very tender, and yesterday we noticed that it was blistering like a burn. I went to the office today and they truly had no idea what could have happened. I am supposed to keep heat on it and try benadryl cream tonight. Truly, as long as my undies and pants don't ride along it I feel fine but they wanted to check it out anyway. I am digging being the medical mystery of the day.

Other than that everything is flowing smoothly today. I did a "letting go" guided meditation that I found on meditationoasis.com last night and it was wonderful. All I can do today is send my lucky 7 embies good thoughts and wait to hear how they are doing tomorrow morning. I thought I would be super nervous, but I am strangely feeling at peace with all of this. It will either work or it won't, and there is nothing that Chris and I could have done to make the outcome any different. I am sure that planning our cruise excersions and getting ready for Christmas have also been helpful distractions.

I will update tomorrow morning when I hear how our embies are doing!

I need to re-learn how to relax

I need to relax. 7 is perfectly fine and I would like to thank clio for her constant calming words. I tried to meditate last night but could not do it so I am going to try again tonight. I might need a tune up from the therapist that taught me how to relax.(I know, what a spaz to have to be taught that) I have my lucky necklace, my lucky 7 embryos and my 25 dollars in lottery scratch off winnings from after my retrieval on Monday.

Worse comes to worse that we don't have anything to transfer that is fine because they would not have been viable anyway and we will get our $500 dollars back for cyro-preservation.

Quick Update

My retrieval went well yesterday. We ended up with 14 eggs retrieved.

My fert report looks as follows:
Out of the 14 retrieved, 12 were mature.
Out of those 12, 7 fertilized.

We are definitely below average were our fertilization percentage is but the clinic still thinks we will have some to transfer on Saturday. I am starting to get super nervous now though and am going to call to ask if that is still the plan since it did not go as well as the RE was expecting.

One day can make a huge difference

I triggered last night! My u/s yesterday went great, some of the follies on the left caught up so we were very excited about that. My ER is tomorrow morning at 9 am.

My only issue at this point is that I have a softball sized welt on where I had the trigger shot last night. It feels like a bruise but has not turned into one yet. Has anyone had this happen to them?

Trying not to lose all hope

I just got back from yet another follie scan. First off let me tell you how sore my hooha is from daily visits with the magic dildo cam. Second is that my left ovary has crapped out on me. I now have 7 on the left that are above 14 at least with a few in the 18-19 range. On the right, yeah they all stopped at 12. The RE didn't even bother measuring them today because they are so small compared to the ones on the right. It looks like I will have one more monitoring appointment and then we will be triggering tomorrow night. That will put the retreival on Monday. I guess at this point I am hoping for 5 mature eggs. Wow, I had 20 follies on Monday and now I am praying that we end up with 5. Sucks.

Trying not to be bummed out on our anniversary

I went in for another follie check this morning and I went from 20 to 14, and still only half of those are measurable. I know that we are doing IVF for a reason and this sort of thing is to be expected but it still sucks. I guess we have gone from hoping we retrieve 17 eggs as the RE was hoping for to hoping we get 6 or 7. I will get another call this afternoon telling me when I need to come back. My largest is only at 14 so I am hoping to have tomorrow off from the magic dildo cam.

I feel gross

Today is day 5 of follistim, lupron, and low dose hcg plus the antibiotic. I am not sure which of these evil meds it is, but I have zero appetite and feel totally disgusting. My ovaries are starting to feel fuller and it is getting uncomfortable to wear pants and bend over, although I take this as a good thing.

My next monitoring appoitment is tomorrow morning and then I only have two days left of the antibiotic and hopefully I will start to feel better for a few days before i start taking it again after the retrieval. BLAH!

Stim Check #1

I have 20 total follies, 10 on each side. After three days of stims, I have 6 or 7 that are measurable. I had a 12 and the rest were 10s. The nurse expects some of the rest to catch up throughout the week. My lining is at 9 already so everything is actually looking good for once! They should be calling me back this afternoon with any med changes and whether they need to see me tomorrow or not.

I am not too uncomfortable yet. My left hip is hurting like a mofo and I am not wondering if that has something to do with the fact that the left ovary has more of the big ones on it. Maybe, maybe not. The shots have been a breeze except for the follistim. I am not sure what it is about it but when Chris gives it to me it hurts so I decided to do it myself last night and it didn't hurt quite as bad. I think it has something to do with the twisting of the pen. It is easier to keep straight when I get it to myself and I don't have to push on my stomach as hard.