Last Day of the Year

I just wrote a post but had to delete it! It was titled Year in Review and it was entirely too negative and I really need to work on that. Hmm...maybe that should be my new year's resolution. It would be a good one to say the least.

So the year wasn't great but hey no one died and we still have our jobs so what more can you really ask for? My skin cancer is gone as far as we know and besides Chris having cat scratch fever we are both pretty healthy for once. Well, he is always healthy and I am doing much better than I have in a long time. We are kicking ass at the gym each night and I rarely ever have to reach for the meds to control my pain issues. Considering its the middle of winter that is a major step in the right direction for me.

Next year will be the last year we try to have a child so knowing the end is near is a good thing. I am chugging along on my plan and will have to admit I am not loving it. I feel like shit constantly and I don't love what I am eating. The fact that I don't like the taste of whole wheat products is really screwing me over here. I have tried all sorts of breads, even ones from trader joe's and at the end of the day my love of white bread is ruining me:) Don't worry, I haven't broken down and had any! I am loosing weight and I will have to say I look pretty fantastic sans clothing so at least I have something to show for my sacrifices.

I really, really need to find a new job although I know in this economy that chances of that happening aren't super high. My supervisor has been driving me absolutely fucking batty and although I can usually keep work at work it has been increasingly making me more agitated all of the time. I do have two apps in for state jobs in the same department so hopefully I will hear something back on them soon.

That's it! Six and a half more hours of work and then a three day weekend!

You ruined Christmas!

This is what I have been hearing at work all week, so you know what? I am done with work for the rest of the week. I would love to say you people have known about Christmas for 363 days, this isn't something new that just popped up. It's no ones fault but your own that you didn't plan to buy your kids Christmas presents and just assumed someone else would do it for you!

Other than that everything seems to be going well. I have lost 5 pounds since I started limited sugar and only eating good carbs! This also included zero exercise as my ankle is just starting to feel better so I was really shocked I lost so much.

Speaking of loosing weight, upping my calories to 2300 a day has not been working. I just haven't figured out a way to eat 500-700 more healthy calories a day and I really need to figure it out soon. Loosing a few more pounds, maybe 5 more, would be good but any more than that and all of my precious curves will go right out the window. Hell I am a 36A as it is, I can't afford to go much smaller. I know what you may be thinking, "is she really that worried about her boobs" and the answer is yes I totally am. I like not being so flat that I look like a boy.

In reproductive news, my RE emailed me and told me I need to completely cut out the every other day red wine consumption as it may mask a glucose issue. I googled red wine and blood sugar as I have never heard this and red wine in fact does lower your blood sugar. Interesting? yes. Think its my problem? No. I have had the fasting glucose test done tons of times in the past few years and it has always come back fine and the red wine is a new thing for me. So as of today the IVF coordinator told me I have to cut out all alcohol, not just red wine and they are going to redo the fasting test in two weeks. I have a feeling that even after that they are going to want me to stay off alcohol until I get pregnant which should be entertaining as I haven't had a successful pregnancy in four years . I may be limiting this experiment to six months...if my periods return to normal and it seems like we have forward movement on the pregnancy front I will continue on, if not then I am done. Oh, and St. Patty's Day doesn't count because I am Irish and it would be a crime for me to not drink on St. Patty's Day.

12/18/2009

No catchy post title for today, just some quick updates.

I met with the NP yesterday at my clinic for my nutritional intake. I thought they said I was meeting with a nutritionist but I must have heard them incorrectly. Anyway, we found out through this cool breathing machine that my body burns 2040 calories a day resting. Wow! I would have though it would have been around 1200 calories a day. Go kick ass metabolism. My BMI is on the high side of normal and my body fat is low which is interesting...guess you can't always use BMI as the be all, end all!

My basic nutrition plan is to keep sugars low, eat good carbs only, eat 600 more calories a day, and keep the carb/fat/protein ratio at 40/30/30. I am switching from using myfitnesspal.com to fitday.com as it is easier to track ratios on fitday. (I will have to say though that myfitnesspal.com is still my favorite in case you are looking for a site to help you along with weight loss) I am so used to eating around 1500 calories a day, I have no idea how I am going to healthily bump it up and it amazes me that on paper at least I should be able to eat more and stay the same weight. We will see how this goes in the upcoming weeks. One quick side note is that she most certainly does not want me restricting carbs as much as my mentor did since I am on the low side of everything as it is.

I did have a minor freak out at the office when I realized I was supposed to have a packet of paperwork filled out for the nutritional intake....and you guess it, the IVF coordinators never sent it to me. I basically started tearing up and shaking a bit because I just can't take them. How can you not get something as simple as sending out a packet correct? Not having it wasn't a huge deal although I didn't know why I was waiting in the lobby for so long and I was supposed to bring along a snack since I had been fasting for 16 hours. There was also an extra charge to use the machine and all of this was explained in the packet. So I sat there for another hour and a half with nothing to eat because I wasn't told and if you know me...if I am starving you can bet I am a bit bitchy. Now I should not be shocked as I never even got IVF instructions from them last time but I was. Ugh. I need to realize that everything they do will be wrong and to just roll with it. I called the satellite office this morning and joked with them about how I just can't take being at the main office. They laughed and said they loved me and that its just the coordinators, not me.

After the NP had me lay all of my issues with the coordinators out on the table I actually had an enjoyable visit. I am going to follow her and my mentor's advice and try this for a few months to see if I start getting my period again. If I don't well then this at least should make my ovarian environment the best it can possibly be. IVF plus arthritis plus winter is a bad combo anyway so we most likely would have waited until spring to try again anyway so it all works out. I go back for a follow up in three weeks where I get to use the metabolism machine again to see if my resting calorie intake per day goes up or down. If you follow the diet but gain no lean mass it should go down, but if you gain a lot of lean mass it may actually go up.

I also emailed my RE this morning and asked him about putting me on metaformin to see if it will help with my egg quality the next time we do IVF. We will see what he says about that . My mentor told me to always just email him directly with any questions...so we will see if he was alright with that. I just saw him two weeks ago and don't want to waste more time and money just to ask one question.

Mentor Update

First off let me just say my mentor seems like a really great person. I was told that neither one of these patients he hooked me up with ever had success, but the one I met with already had a child. I will have to admit I was slightly confused and a little shocked that I was told by the doctor that neither ever had a success before. And beyond that I was told the one that I met with never even had a miscarriage, she had absolutely no successes. I am sure he was just getting patients mixed up but I am sure I had a quick holy shit look on my face.

So here were the recommendations...

1. For PCOS patients, drilling before IVF to try and ward off OHSS(great but I don't have PCOS)

2. Taking the eggs early and not trying to wait for the smaller ones to catch up. This is what my RE did with both of his major problem patients. They didn't get as many mature eggs, but the ones that were mature were better quality.(I only stim for 7 days as it is so this wouldn't be an option)

3. Starting ganirlex early in your cycle...as in day 2 or 3 so you can stim longer and hopefully get better quality. This would be ideal for women like me who only stim for 7 days which most REs don't feel is long enough to get a quality, mature egg.

4.Coasting at the end of stimming as the belief is that some women's ovaries just can't handle all of the stimming and that ruins the quality of the eggs retrieved.

5.Taking dex or even better a Prednisone taper pack before and during IVF. (we already did this)

6.Taking cipro or another strong antibiotic before IVF. The thought on this and the dex is that it will clean you out of any infections that the zpack wouldn't. (we did this also)

In regards to the diet and lifestyle changes my mentor suggested that I read Fertility Foods. Don't bother with it as I can sum it up in one sentence...weight training and a low GI diet to keep your blood sugar level though out the day. My mentor followed this a bit too much in my opinion, the book says nothing about cutting out all carbs but that is what she did.

I picked up Jillian Michael's new book, Mastering your Metabolism(and rebalancing your hormones) yesterday and it does a much better job of explaining insulin resistance, why you should keep your blood sugar level, how you do it. There is also a chapter on all of your hormones, what will happen if they are out of whack and what foods you can eat to readjust. She gives PCOS a decent amount of space and states medications that be the answer if you diet and exercise don't work which I loved(I can't stand the people who claim diet can change everything). Also, I wouldn't even call it a diet as there is no calorie/carb/fat counting involved. I highly recommend reading this book.

Both books stress that weight training is more important for women than cardio.

So I am feeling pretty eh about the whole thing. While these suggestions may help a lot of women who had similar problems(lots of quality eggs, no pregnancy) but I fail to see how I can work any of those in to help me.

What I am excited about is the whole nutrition/exercise aspect. I am way heavier on the cardio then I am on the weight training so it will be interesting in the next month or two to see if my hormones start to balance out at all.

The mentor adventure begins...

In her usual fashion my IVF coordinator is still sucking. To my dismay, they did not get rid of her as they assured me they were going to after all of the issues I had with her during my last IVF. Regardless after a week my clinic now has my email address(although I email with sucky coordinator so how she couldn't find it I clearly don't know) and I am now hooked up with my mentor.

I sent her our story and she emailed a few quick things back and said that she wants to meet soon. She tried for 7 years to get pregnant, some cycles with my doctor, some with Cornell and then she did the out of the box protocol with my doctor(I still don't know what this entails) which resulted in a successful pregnancy. Like us, she is unexplained. Unlike us her embryos always appeared to be good but none of her 10 previous transfers took. So at the end of the day my doctor has "diagnosed" both of us with unexplained egg quality issues.

The one quick thing she did tell me was that she took 6 months off of treatments, started exercising with weight training and cut out a lot of sugar. After a lifetime of irregular cycles, her cycles returned to normal on this regimen which I thought was interesting. She is bringing me a bunch of literature when we meet for dinner and I am going to hear the rest of her story. I do know that my doctor wants me to follow her diet and exercise regimen since they believe this was key to her successful pregnancy. I am really looking forward to this meeting and will report back when I know more...

I finally had my WTF appointment from my last IVF yesterday and the RE told us that we are going outside the box for our next attempt. For those of you who don't know me, which is probably most of you here is a quick summary....ttc for about 4 years now, 4 miscarriages(2 early that we would have never known about had we not been dealing with IF and 2 chrom. flukes), unexplained IF, and all of my embryos die when we use high doses of stims for some unknown reason. We looked into adoption but DH does not feel comfortable with it and while I don't agree I support him so that is why we are cycling again.

My RE had two patients last year that he sent to New York because he could not figure out what was wrong with them. Both cycled with different clinics and neither got pregnant. These patients apparently are like us(on the board) but to the max with getting their own information, my RE said they know more than he does. He tried completely out of the box protocols with both of them and they are both due within the next two months. He is hooking me up with them via email so they can share with me their stories and their wealth of knowledge and he is hoping I can also get some hope back in the process. I will find out in the next week exactly what the protocol is but he said it involves drugs that generally are not used for IVF and that he is one of the only clinics that will try a non-conventional protocol. The only thing I do know is that it is not the clomid IVF cycle that we had talked about a few months ago so who knows what the drugs are he is talking about.

I will update once I know more as this may be useful to other unexplained ladies that conventional protocols don't work for. I feel like a guinea pig but since we have run out of options I figure why not give whatever this is a whirl.

Drunkard

Bad things happen when obliterated, things like falling down the stairs...twice. Yep, I managed to fall down the stairs not once but twice at the Springsteen concert. My wonderful, not quite as drunk husband took care of me that night. If it were not for him, I would probably still be lying on a bench crying my eyes out. One week later and I am still rocking a air cast and one crutch! I now realize I just can't hang with the Buffalo gang, they are professional drinkers and I am just a novice.

My plans for shopping at midnight again on Black Friday went out the window as I went flying down the stairs but I still got some pretty excellent deals online that morning. I also grabbed some cyber Monday deals and the family is officially done. Chris made out like a bandit with all of the deals I found online, I think he is going to be pleased. As far as presents for me go, Chris bought me a nook. Unfortunately it is sold out and I won't get it until January but that gives me plenty of time to start downloading pdf e-books! He also surprised me a with a bracelet we have been eying up for quite a while for our anniversary(this Thursday). We are notorious for giving presents early, but since mine won't be in until January and his are hidden we may make it until Christmas.

In other news, Chris told me yesterday that he definitely does not want to adopt. This actually came to no surprise to me at all, so I was not outwardly upset about it which confused him. I think I came to the conclusion a while ago that adoption is not at all for him so it is not an option for us. He also said he doesn't want to look into donor eggs which did shock me because he was always gung ho about that and I wasn't. Hmm....who knows. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the RE to go over my last IVF cycle and to talk about my 40-50 day long cycles. Chris is coming with me so I will have another perspective on what the doctor says since I tend to only look at the negative.

All Clear!

Fantastic news on the skin front...all of my moles this time were benign. That's freaking amazing considering all 7 I had removed last time had to be excised because of cancerous and precancerous cells. Woot woot.

This is a good way to start off a nice, long weekend! Tonight we are feeding my Twilight Saga fix and seeing Twilight and New Moon in the theater. Then we are off to Buffalo for four days to celebrate Thanksgiving and more importantly seeing Bruce with the entire fam :)

11/17/2009

I have zero updates for the month! I still have yet to hear back about my moles that were removed and biopsied three weeks ago. I put in a call yesterday to see what the deal is and am waiting for a return call. I am hoping that means they were all clear, but I know that is highly unlikely with my predisposition to skin issues.

I am still not getting my period with any regularity at all, if anything my cycles are getting further and further apart with each passing month. I am going to put in a call with the RE this morning and talk with the nurse to see if there is anything we can do. My bloodwork is always normal so it wouldn't appear that I have pcos or am going into menopause but 40-50 day cycles plus cramping all month long would suggest otherwise. It just isn't possible that everything going on with me is unexplained, there has to be a reason I am not getting normal periods...or at least I hope there is because this is just beyond annoying.

4

Is the number of moles I had biopsied this time. Two were right on top of each other so I am thinking its more of 3.5 which is half of the moles I had removed last time. I will know in 2 weeks if they are going to need 6 mm punches, total excisions, or if they are not cancerous/pre-cancerous and need nothing. The mole they biopsied on my back has been biopsied twice before so I would be slightly shocked if all of the sudden there was something wrong with it, but as we know my derm is super cautious so maybe he will remove it anyway. I am just happy that they are all on my legs and back because one botched scar on my arm is enough for now thank you very much.

In other dermatological news, my skin is ridiculously dry and irritated. The areas under my eyes and around my mouth are red, puffy and dry. I have been using Hope in a Jar for two years and I can't even stand to have that on my face. I had a reaction to the wipes they use at MAC and luckily I carry baby wipes in my purse or I would have had an issue. The derm gave me a steriod cream which is calming but is not helping at all with the dryness which in turn is just making me more irritated. I tried the Aveeno calming lotion last year and had a reaction to that also which most people suggest when I tell them about my issues. I picked up a sample of clinique's redness solution cream today and am going to give that a whirl tonight.

Any suggestions? What do you use on your face in the winter?

10/23/2009

How do you like my new, happier background? I was depressing myself with the dark colors, even though they were completely appropriate for the fall season.

I am going to get my head examined at 12:30 today although I am not sure what I am going to talk to him about. Last week I was having an extremely tough time with everything, but I am starting to think a lot of it was mood swing related coming off of the hormones. Or maybe our little mini vacation did more good than I thought it did. Am I sad, of course. Do I feel like my life is over, not at all. I even "applied" to take a business course at our community college, why you even have to apply if you aren't degree seeking is above and beyond me but hey take my ten bucks and run with it. Hopefully after a few semester of taking business and other random classes I can decide what I think I want to do a Masters program in. Either way it will be good to get out of the house and get back into class, which is something I always enjoyed.

So things are beginning to look up. Chris had a dream this week about our 8 year, save up money adoption plan which I thought was sweet. I found out this week there are no longer any adoption agencies in my state that do international adoption. They all lost their Hauge Accreditations. I am not sure if it was a monetary thing or something else but regardless we will have to look elsewhere when we start to get more serious about it. I did order some information packets from a few different agencies that serve the entire US so it will be fun going through them when we get them in.

Watch out for razor blades

I ended up in urgent care last night after I sliced my finger with a razor blade. Yeah not the smartest thing in the world, especially since Chris kept telling me to be careful or I would cut myself. It was all for a good cause though...I made a feral cat shelter for my 2 kittens who are living by the abandoned house next door. After I was glued back together and given a tetanus shot Chris finished the shelter for me and we put it outside for the kitties.

A quick word on the glue...get the stitches instead. I have already busted open the cut while I was sleeping somehow and now I have butterfly band aids on. Its on the inside of my finger and what is one more nasty scar at this point but I am sure it would have healed nicer with the stitches. On the plus side I don't need to go back to get the stitches out.

Hating everything right now

That basically sums up how I feel about my life at this point. I feel so frigging blah. My fibro is already acting up and I just made an appointment with my old pain doctor but the earliest appointment she has is over a month away. Here is the dilemma as far as pain meds go...if I want to keep trying on my own to get pregnant I can not go back on Lyrica. If I go back on Lyrica I will also have to go back on some sort of birth control which would suck. The other thing is that Lryica takes forever to get on and off and I won't need it in the warmer months. I could go back on Lodine or some other anti-inflammatory and hope for the best. Maybe its good that my appointment is a month away and I will have a better idea at that time of what I am going to need to help me get through the winter without being a total and complete bitch.

Thanks, but no thanks

Why oh why must everyone give me their ill researched opinions on what we should be doing? You should adopt...so what, I just snap my fingers and adopt? Is that how it works in your world? Because in mine you need 30k to adopt. And why the hell should I adopt, maybe you should stop having your own kids and adopt if its so easy and wonderful to do.

Just wait and eventually you will get pregnant? We had the nicest guy in our car this weekend telling us of a friend who had 4 miscarriages but ended up having 10 kids. My response...I have had 4 miscarriages , my embryos suck, that chances are that won't be us. Why can people not accept that some women just won't get pregnant, EVER. Repeat with me, some people will never, ever, ever, ever have a healthy pregnancy that results in a live baby. It's sad, but it's true.

If you can't just say sorry, do you need anything...just say nothing. This sort of goes for everything...unless you have been exactly in someone's situation just say you are sorry and offer support. This is one major lesson I have learned throughout this stupid journey.

My new motto...fake it til you make it. I figure one morning a long time from now I will wake up and actually not care that I will never have my own kids, but for now I will just pretend it I don't care.

WTF appointment update

No answers just more questions as usual. Among them are....

1. Are my eggs bad or is the high dosages of hormones lowering their quality? My RE really has no clue as I have gotten pregnant on my own 4 times although I did lose all 4 so were those just normal flukes or a result of bad eggs. My hormone levels have always come out fine and I passed the clomid challenge with flying colors.

2. What in the hell am I allergic to? Is it a certain preservative that is causing these massive reactions or something else? For my safety in the future since this was such a large reaction that the medrol is doing nothing for I made an appointment with an allergist/immunologist in November. My doctor is going to work with him to see what I can take if we decide to cycle again with donor eggs in the future.

He did say that histamine reactions in the body don't bode well for trying to get pregnant which seems pretty obvious. If, and this is a big if, we decide to go the donor egg route I would stay on a high dose of medrol the entire time no matter what drugs we think may be safe.

My options:

1. Minimal stimulation cycle- he has only ever done 3 of these and they are not historically very successful. He thinks he will get a better idea if my egg quality is bad vs. is it the meds making it bad if we agree to this option. Although if it doesn't work we would still "try" on our own anyway so whats the point of putting myself through that.

2. Donor eggs/embryos once we find out if I can safely take the PIO without a reaction. This is a possibility, but a way down the line possibility once we have the funds and are in a better mind set.

3. International Adoption- this is my favorite option but again funds are an issue and DH is leaning more towards donor eggs.

4. Live childless- I can't stomach this one right now, but maybe after a few years of not trying and living IF day in and day out it will be something I will be interested in.

So basically thats that. I am trying so very hard to remain positive with all of this and during the day I seem to be doing pretty well, but its such a btch at night lying there wondering how I ended up here.

Beta was zero

So that's all she wrote folks. I went in today to get my rash looked at and they are sure its an allergic reaction to progesterone in general, not the carrier oil as they had thought before. It makes you wonder if I am allergic to all progesterones or just synthetic ones? The nurse even mentioned being allergic to pregnancy as a whole but I am not sure exactly what that entails and could find nothing on dr. google relating to that. Who knows and since my egg quality is so bad I guess it really doesn't matter. Although the reactions that I have to PIO shots sort of kill the possibility of using donor eggs since I would have to take PIO then also.

Now I have to go to urgent care after work and get a shot of steriods and then I have a follow up with my doctor tomorrow at 12:45. I hope to god that's my final appointment as I am not going back to have him look at my rash and then going back again a week later to go over my failed cycle. Plus, since we have no plans of ever cycling again(obviously) I have no intention of going back twice.

Let's top the last cycle off with an rash

BFN again, no shocker there. What was lots of fun was the full body rash I woke up to this morning. I tapered off of the high dose steroid they had me on this weekend so I can only assume this rash is from the PIO. Long story short is that I called my clinic this morning to see if they will do the beta today instead of Thursday so I can come off my meds and then hopefully this sucky, itchy rash will go away.

I would like to say that I am doing totally fine, but I am not. Driving alone in the car is when it is the worst and where I do most of my crying. I don't know what to do. I am applying to grad school to get my masters in Administration of Justice/Criminal Behavior. I have looked over the syllabus and the classes all look interesting and I love studying criminology so I am hoping this will be a good fit for me. Although again I only feel like I am doing it because at this point I have nothing better to do with my life. grr...

7dp5dt

Complaints of the day

1. I thought I saw a line today but realized it was just a shadow or my imagination

2. Massively swollen groin lymph node that I can only assume at this point is from my egg retrieval as I have never developed one from bikini line shaving before. I realize I should probably call the doctor but I am so over this and I will see them on Thursday

3. I didn't even get any boobs this time from the progesterone

4. Cramps so bad they are waking me up in the middle of the night

5dp5dt

or 5dp6dt since I still have no idea which embryo was used. I tested this morning...BFN of course. I know that it may still be too early to get a positive on a pregnancy test but seeing the stark white tests is getting me ready for the inevitable next week. I had to go in this morning for a E2/p4 check for whatever reason so I am waiting to hear back what those results are.

The nurse gave me a prescription for the ice burn on my arse so I am looking forward to picking that up and maybe I will get some relief. As of yesterday I started having panic attacks since I basically have no idea what I am going to do with my life when this fails. How do I even start to get over the fact that I will never have children? I actually had to pull the car over and take my socks and shoes off I freaked out so bad. The clinic made me promise I would continue with my meds until Thursday. I can't promise that, but I can promise to take them at least through Wednesday at which point I will be 9dp5dt and if its not positive by then its not going to be.

Cooking with Tilapia

I am slowly getting back into cooking. I basically just don't cook in the summer because its just too damn hot but Chris asked me a few weeks ago to please start cooking again. (who wouldn't start cooking for a husband that claims he likes your food?) I am so glad I did, one good dinner can pretty much make my night. I am easy like that.

Frozen tilapia fillets are wonderful for a variety of reasons. They are cheap when bought in bulk, healthy, and the defrost in under ten minutes when thrown into water. The days of being mad at myself for forgetting to take meat out of the freezer when I leave for work are now over as I can just reach for a few tilapia fillets and make a great meal.

Last night I made this. It was beyond delicious.

3dp5dt or start of the yuckies

Stating that I feel gross today is an understatement. Nausea is kicking my ass all over the wonderful state of Delaware. It started yesterday and hasn't really let up although I am pretty sure it is from one of the oral meds I am taking as it starts as soon as I take that. Although I do take it as soon as I wake up so who knows if that is exactly what its from. Either way, all I really want to do right now is puke. IVF med side effects can pretty much suck it as there is no way this is from our little embryo yet, that is if it even stuck. So I am going to be my best to be as happy go lucky and non miserable as possible for the next five days because I figure if I don't have a positive test by then we know its all over and I can stop these awful hormones.

2dp6dt

I actually have no idea if they are considering my transfer at 5 or 6 days as I am not sure which batch this embie came out of! So its on or the other.

We have deduced that the "rash/burn" on my ass from the shots is exactly that...freezer burn. Yes, I am an idiot. I try and get my butt so cold so that the shot won't bother my hips that I actually freezer burned myself. I am so smooth!

Other than being super tired and ready for bed at this second I don't have much to report. I have been cramping slightly off and on since yesterday afternoon. Time will tell if its implantation or just yucky cramps. My e2 and p4 levels are fantastic even though I stopped my meds for two days so there are no worries there anymore. Testing will most likely commence next Monday.

What should be going on day by day

0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining, has placenta & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Maybe it's not the end...

So after my doc pulls me off of all of my meds yesterday he called me this morning to tell us that one embryo did in fact self correct and was now at the correct blast stage. He said there were too many cells to count and that it was good quality. He assured me he wouldn't push me to put it back if it wasn't, he said he asked them to self correct and the one did which I thought was cute.

We are shocked but realistic. We did decide over the weekend that we would not try the clomid IVF as my doctor suggested. If this doesn't work then we are going to go on to whatever's next but at least now I have some hope that not every single one of my eggs is intrinsically bad so just maybe if this doesn't work we will eventually get a surprise.

Edit- We transfered it already this morning!

The end of a journey

The doctor called me himself Saturday and Sunday mornings...always a bad sign. All of my embryos cleaved again over night and have become very fragmented. They are going to watch them a few more days to see if they "self correct" but we all know they won't so I am coming off my meds today.

There is no point in trying an overstimulation cycle of IVF again, but he wants us to try a clomid IVF cycle with him. He believes my ovaries just don't have the capability of feeding that many eggs at once. So no shots, no crazy hormones besides clomid, just 2 eggs under the scope. If they all cleave also then its a frigging miracle I got pregnant four times as it is because that would be mean I have an intrinsic egg issue.

Chris and I talked about the clomid IVF cycle a lot over the weekend and we have decided that its not something we are interested in. Minimal stimulation IVF cycles have dismal success rates and to do this just as an experiment isn't a good enough reason for me. At the end we are going to end up with the same response we got from the last doctor, "you may have one good egg in there and you may eventually get pregnant on your own." So why bother going through more ridiculous bullshit.

I am ok during the day but have been crying myself to sleep at night. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I will most likely never ever have children. Never. Insane.

Chris really wants to use a relative's donor eggs years down the line and not an anonymous one. First off, I think its funny that everyone assumes my sister would even offer in ten years or whatever. She is a lot younger than I am, plus who knows how much better her eggs are plus it would be there kid, not mine. Oh, and I mind as well say it now but I hated being pregnant with a firey passion. It is probably because I knew at any minute it would all go to shit so I was never able to actually enjoy it.

I will eventually start to crack open the adoption books, but again money is a major issue. Oh well, we can adopt at any age.

Day 2/3 Fert Report

So we are not going in today for transfer but we may be going in tomorrow. We lost one more yesterday from the rescued embryos and the rest are as follows...

I have a 6 cell and a 3 cell that are day 3ers. The 3 cell is behind but they are going to check the 6 this afternoon to see if its gone to an 8.

I have a 5, a 4, and a 3 that are day 2ers. That 3 is also clearly behind also but the 5 and 4 look good and they think they will be 8s by tomorrow.

So we may end up with 3 to transfer tomorrow. 3 on track embryos, who would have thought. I just googled and my day 2ers are right on track! After they check them out again later this afternoon I have to check my mailbox to see if and when they want me to come in.

Day 1/2 Fert Report...

Amazingly enough all four of the eggs that they rescue ICSI'd yesterday made it and are now embryos! I actually said holy shit to the coordinator. Two of the three that are on day 2 today are still going so we now have a total of 6 embryos still growing.

They are going to check out the 2 that are still going tomorrow and decide if they want to put those back or if they just want to wait until Saturday or Sunday once they get a better look at what is still growing out of the day behind ones.

So my "revised" fert report was...

12 retrieved

10 mature

7 fertilized

7 out of 10 fertilized is within the normal range of percentage that should fertilize with ICSI. Very happy about this.

Fert report in...and apparently my eggs just do suck

12 eggs retrieved

6 mature

3 fertilized

So basically, its over. They will call again on Friday to see if there are any left. New doctor, new protocol, worse results.

Met with the RE yesterday

I finally got to meet with the doctor himself during this cycle which was great. I love my nurse as you know but it is always nice to get the "real" perspective on how this is going. He didn't blow any smoke up my ass which was nice and said that he won't get anything good from the left and is hoping that half of the right are mature. That leaves us with um, yeah 4. So we basically are not too hopeful, but I am glad that I am not going in tomorrow hoping for 10 mature eggs and only ending up with 4. If we get more that will be great but if we only end up with a few than we won't be disappointed.

All we can do now that those few that are mature fertilize into decent embryos. My fert rate just has to be higher than half this time, my embryos really have no other options then to fertilize and become beautiful embryos. I am going to have a little talk with them tomorrow from afar.

Treatment day 7

Last night was the 6th night of stims...Two of my follies shrank back to 10s. I have 2 on the left that are now 15 and 17 in size. I have 8 on the right and they are all in the 17-20 range. The nurse said I need to chillax because being so upset is not going to help matters. Bottom line is my scans look great...if I was on day 8 or 9 of stims, chances of good quality right now aren't very high. They will review my bloodwork later today and see if they can push it another day or not. We are all in agreeance though that if this yeilds poor quality, fragmented embryos again that nothing will be put back.

So basically I need to find my zen for the next few days.

Stimming to quickly again

Ugh. My E2 jumped from 225 to 600 in two days. Today is just day 6 of stims. They are trying to push me to trigger on Saturday which is only 7 days of stims again which as we all know does not bode well for quality which is my major issue. My new RE lowered my doses considerably so they are pretty shocked this happened again.

Well, at least it will all be over soon I guess.

Ouch!

I just got back from my second follie scan and I keep repeating the mantra quality over quantity. After 4 nights of stims I have 7 follies on the right side measuring between 14-17 and 1 18. On the left I have 3 measuring between 13-15. Eleven total isn't bad, but I can't say that I am not a little bit disappointed. My AFC was triple what it was last year and I have less eggs cooking. I realize I have absolutely zero control over this so it is what it is and hopefully one or two of those are decent quality.

I took my third menopur shot last night and had a reaction almost immediately. It's very similar to the reaction I had last year to ovidrel. I have a baseball sized welt and it feels like a burn, I am just hoping it does not bubble and peel like the ovidrel reaction site did. Showering was super this morning when I realized that I basically can't let water hit the welt. The bitch of the situation is that tonight is my fifth night of stims and I most likely won't be stimming for much longer so they aren't sure if they are going to do a med change or not. Three or four more of these welts all over my body is not something I can admit I am looking forward to...hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. Tonight I am supposed to take benadryl 30 minutes before and basically pray it doesn't happen again.

1st follie scan update

I just got back from my first scan and my follies look great. 21 measurable follies after three nights of stims. So all good there.

The issue is that my period is off the hook(I was on prometrium for 7 days post ovulation last month). I woke up to what looked like yet another murder in my bed. At my baseline on Saturday my lining was still 9.4. Today my lining has thinned out by I still have a pocket of blood at the bottom of my ute that is waiting to come out. My nurse said that my follies won't take off until the blood is gone. She is going to talk with the doctor today but she seemed concerned. Have you ever heard of a IVF cycle being canceled because the patients period still wasn't done yet on cd5?

Update: The new coordinator called me back...as my mailbox was not properly set up. LOL, come you have to laugh at that. Everything looks great so far, yes I am still bleeding but its not completely uncommon. If my lining hasn't plumped back up by retrieval they will put me on Estrace. I am going to start drinking POM juice as soon as my period is over as that always seems to help with lining also. So all is well and the new coordinator was wonderful.

Reassurances

Celina, my wonderful nurse called me back today and tried to calm my fears about the coordinator and this cycle in general. She said that the coordinator is never this bad and she really isn't sure what is going on with her. As far as she can tell this is what is going on...

1. When I talked to coordinator this morning she stated that there was an issue with my bloodwork..and that was it. She did not elaborate. Celina stated my bloodwork looked great and the only troubling thing was that my lining was still very thick. My period has been super heavy the last three days so we are both sure that tomorrow's lining check will go much better.

2. Celina believes I was supposed to take my doxy this week and not last week, although she said there is no reason why last week wouldn't be fine also. She isn't sure why coordinator ordered two scripts for me. The zpack is for the day before retrieval and four days after. Again, she is unsure as to why coordinator did not know this when I asked her.

3. I should be on baby aspirin. Newsflash there as I was never told that.

4. I start taking the Medrol the day after transfer, I remembered that from last time.

5. I should have been given a packet and all IVF patients should be given a packet with a calender. This packet does include how to set up a mailbox so she is going to set up my mailbox today and show me how to use it tomorrow.

6. I "should" get paperwork at my retrieval that gives me all of my transfer/post transfer med instructions. Time will tell if I actually get it or not.

So in the end I am feeling much better than I was this morning. Celina profusely apologized stating that part of the reason I switched clinics was for better service which I am obviously not getting. I appreciate her saying that because she is absolutely right, with the exception of her and Donna at Milford, there service does suck and at least at the other clinic I knew exactly what I was doing in regards to my cycle and so did the coordinator if I had a question. Celina told me again that she was going to call the new coordinator on the down low and ask her to take over my case completely. Now, I have heard this a few times before so we will see if it actually happens.

I am such a post whore during IVF

Warm and fuzzy feelings

Are not something I get from my new clinic. I just spoke with coordinator from hell who said she was sorry there was no paperwork ready for me on Saturday and that there is no point now to give it to me. This clinic hands out zero directions for what you should be doing when. They never hand out calenders or sample calenders. They give you NO directions on things you should and should not be doing while stimming such as no unprotected sex or exercise. WTF...OMG..STFU...I can't think of any other acronyms at this point that would tell you how I feel about this. What if this was the first time I was doing IVF, how would that even fly?

I just called my awesome nurse at my satellite office and am waiting for her to return my call. I need to know if she actually can set up a mailbox tomorrow morning for me or not so I am not wasting my time driving an hour south if I then am going to have to drive an hour and a half back up north to set up a frigging mailbox. Then will the mailbox even work, will anyone call it, or will I be calling the emergency line at 4 needing my instructions. I am so over this clinic. It's a good thing I have heard such great things about this doctor and that I have no other in state options or I would be taking my drugs elsewhere.

Oh, she also mentioned in our first phone call this morning that I am allergic to hcg triggers. Um, no I am allergic to something that is in Ovidrel specifically, not all triggers. Considering I triggered from your office during the clomid challenge you would think she would know I am not allergic to all triggers. She had already disconnected the call before I could even process what she was saying. I then of course called back and left a message, she called back but when I picked up no one was there. I then call back yet again leaving another message asking for a return call on if the trigger information is now straight.

Baseline and Stim Start!

I went in for my baseline today and for once everything looked great. My AFC was 20, where last time we did IVF it was 7. E2 and FSH looked great according to the nurse so I didn't even bother asking for the number. I start Follistim only tonight on a much lower dose than IVF #1 and am adding in Menopur on stim night #3, which should be entertaining as I have never used Menopur before. From what I remember I believe DH starts his doxycycline today but truthfully I am not even positive about that but at this point what could it hurt.

The hilarity at this point with my coordinator continues though(the new coordinator apparently has not yet taken over). The nurse today told me to wait in the room and she would go get my written instructions...no shocker here but the coordinator failed to put my packed together. No problem, we will leave the directions for tonight in your mailbox...yeah she never set me up with a mailbox. If I had not previously done IVF I most likely would have had a massive meltdown in their offices today. So I left with no written insturctions, no mailbox to retrieve my messages, nothing. I am trying my best not to stress about it...my feelings toward my coordinator will not affect the outcome of this IVF...

Day 7

I am chugging right along with my estrace, prometrium, doxycyline, and dex cocktail. It worked out that I started this on the 1st of the month so its been very convienent so far in trying to figure out where I am in the cycle according to what day it is. The side effects are nothing compared to when I was on lupron but either the doxy or the prometrium is kicking my stomach's ass. I am taking everything with food but I am still as nauseous as hell.

My only other issue is that the massive increase in estrogen is throwing my anxiety into overdrive. Luckily with all of the therapy I had last year I am able to keep it in check, it's just an annoyance at this point to be worrying about silly things like the oven.

Well my stomach is growling so I am off to go get a bobbie! I'll most likely check back in after my baseline which will most likely be next Monday or Tuesday.

Blonde Moments

I decided it would be fun if I took a picture of my IVF meds tonight so I could compare it to my first picture. Upon pulling everything out I realized she didn't order me any subq needles for the Menopur. This, of course does not shock me in the least bit. Just yesterday I had to run to Target twice because she was supposed to call in 4 perscriptions but only called in 3 so I had to go back later in the day to pick up the fourth. So now I am going to have to call her yet again on my way to work to see if she can't get the needles ordered for me.

Updated: So I realized this morning that I was wrong. The 25 guage needles she ordered for me are subq. She didn't order me the two sets of needles for PIO like I had last time, I mixing needle and then one for the actual injection. I am thinking the type of oil it is in this time isn't as thick and that is why it doesn't require two separate needles. Anyway this is what happens when you don't trust your coordinator. I automatically assumed that she ordered me the wrong things. I emailed her this morning and told her I was having a blonde moment and to disregard the email I sent her asking her if I had all the right needles. Oh well:)

We're off to the races...

Current meds:
1000 mg of Vitamin C
Dexamethasone- start every other day
3 mg of folic acid

Estrace- 2 per day

We finally have an updated plan. I am on quite a lot of shit pre-IVF! In four days I am adding doxycycline and prometrium to this cocktail for 7 days. I should then get my period three days after that and I go in on day 2 for a baseline! I can tell the doctor has been very involved in this udpated plan as it looks nothing like my original protocol so I am quite happy.

Coordinator from hell update

After spending the entire weekend flipped out over my IVF coordinator and her wanting to cancel my cycle for a multitude of reasons it seems things are calming down and heading in the right direction. I went in this morning for a progesterone check and spoke with my nurse about my converstaion with the coordinator. After I finsihed my rant she looked at me and said, "this is why we hired someone else to take over her position." My nurse(I go to a satellite office) stepped in today and called the doctor herself on my behalf to get things straightened out.

My bloodwork today showed that I definitely did ovulate, which we basically already knew. My doctor is out for the day but the coordinator is supposed to call me back in the morning and tell me whether I should start the bcp for ten days or if he wants me taking a estrogen/prometrium combo that apparently is a more natural way of suppressing. Has anyone heard of that?

The dip asked me again why I haven't taken the IVF class and I responded for the fifth time because I already did. She then "laughed" and said oh silly I wrote those notes on a different peice of paper. She also wanted to know if she should order my drugs...yeah I have had those for at least a month in a half now. I was also told to use a milkjug for my sharps container since she forgot to order one of those. I was laughing by the end of this conversation because its so obvious she doesn't have a clue.

The IVF nurse just called me back. Yes, I do have a collapsed follie but my E2 is only 45 and my progesterone is 3.3 on day 21. On Monday I had a 17 mm follie and I was told that my bloodwork showed I was on my way to ovulating. She said it looks like I am about to get my period. I told her my cycles have been wacked out since my last IVF and wasn't even sure if I have been ovulating in recent months.

They way she was talking my whole IVF was going to be cancelled and she couldn't even remember us talking about me doing IVF and she wanted to know why I even went in today in the first place. Hello lady I talked to you on Monday and you ordered my meds last month.

Wacky IVF med dream

(First I need you to think of the Good Seasoning salad dressing cruet)

In my dream last night Dh and I took out all of my IVF meds for our first night of stims. I start opening each vial and the vial is a cruet. Then I start to worry about how will I know the difference between my salad dressing and my meds. I think start to concoct a plan in my mind using food coloring so I can differentiate each cruet. Why I didn't just think of smelling the salad dressing is above and beyond me. The alarm then went off which is a shame because I would love to know how the dream me would have solved this issue.

Ovulation Check #1

I went in yesterday for ovulation check #1. The good news is that I am well on my way to ovulating and I go back again on Friday for check #2. I had a 17mm follie on the left which they think will go any day now which was the good news, the bad news was the fluid around my right ovary. Not bad news as in your cycle will be cancelled, but bad news is no wonder I felt like I mack truck hit me this weekend. I found it really odd to be having a fibro flare in the middle of summer, but I am now assuming it was caused by the ruptured cyst. No wonder I was in so much pain and was naseous all weekend long. I even called my friend and asked if I could go in his hot tub because I was so miserable. So hopefully that will have started to resolve itself by Friday and they will see that I have in fact ovulated so I can start the bcp. Not that it matters, but the other good news is that even if I don't ovulate for a few days this cycle was still a "normal legnth" which I am pleasently shocked about. Yay for my body doing something right this month.

08/21/2009

Current meds:
1000 mg of Vitamin C
Dexamethasone
3 mg of folic acid

Things are still moving along smoothly in IVF #2 land! Thank god for little miracles. I go in on Monday for my first and hopefully last ovulation check. I am giving it a 50/50 shot that I will have ovulated by cd17. Stranger things have happened I suppose and the signs were all there this week. Anywho, we have nothing going on in September so it makes no difference if my ER/ET is the second, third, or fourth week of the month in the grand scheme of things.

Chris and I are doing great, nervous of course but great. We are going on a date tonight so I am very excited about that and tomorrow I am going to the outlets with my bff who I haven't spent time with in forever. It's shaping up to be the best week I have had in quite a while.

The only thing I haven't gotten back into the swing of is dieting and exercise since my miscarriage last month, well actually its almost been two months now. I ride the bike every morning but I know I am not burning nearly as many calories as I was when I was doing aerobics plus Chris' foot is hurt so we aren't doing our nightly walks. I haven't gained any weight but I am not losing anymore either. Then I also think I am going to all hopped up on hormones and hopefully pregnant by the end of September so what the difference if I don't lose those last five pounds. Nice excuse Kate! I am really going to try and be good with my food choices this weekend...

Sometimes its best to say nothing at all

A little break from talking about anything IF seemed to be just what the doctor ordered. After last weeks minor blow out I did not bring up IF or our IVF at all and we had a lovely week. Yesterday I crawled into bed and DH said that we can do it this month and that he wants to have babies with me. That's his little token phrase when talking about all things infertility.

Our appointment to check for ovulation is not until next week so we are going to go ahead it now, I restarted my steriods today. My cycles are so long I have no doubt I can get in 30 days before our IVF starts so I am sure it will be all good. Phew. Besides all of you, I want this IVF to be as low key as possible so I have begged Chris not to tell anyone yet. He wants to tell his mother and says there is no way I will keep this from mine so I gave up that fight. His mom takes it harder than I do when it doesn't work out and then I just end up feeling shittier than I already do but he is right if I can tell mine then he can tell his. So, that's that in a nutshell.

Easy Breezy

IVF #2

Current meds
1000 mg of Vitamin C
Dexamethasone
3 mg of folic acid

I go back on the 24th(cd17) for my first ovulation check. I only need to be on the pills for seven days before we start IVF so we are not worried about exact science here. If I haven't ovulated yet she will bring me back periodically based on how my labs look so we can at least get the week of pills in so I am guessing it will be once a week until it is confirmed. Ah, a weekly visit vs. 45 days of lupron. What a beautiful thing.

I am still leery of doing IVF again but this really is the best time this year to do it for us. We have nothing big planned for the month of September/beginning of October unlike the rest of the year when we have stuff almost every other weekend. That in itself is a bonus and will make things much less stressful. Basically there is always going to be the voice in the back of my head...aka fear of another m/c...and I realize it will never fully go away. I know the shots are a peice of cake, my protocol seems like a piece of cake, and thats about as far as I can take it. It's also super exciting though that I could be pregnant in two months and possibly with a healthy baby this time. How crazy would that be.

Thanks for the vibes

I finally got my period plus some this weekend! My bed looked like someone was murdered when I woke up Sunday morning, poor Chris didn't even get a chance to sleep in since I had to strip it and clean it. It was lovely. Anyway it should be over in a few days and that will be that.

The good news is that I had already made an appointment for Monday to search for my missing period so I went in today and we changed it to a day 3 appointment. My antral follie count is around 20(go me!), no cysts, and I will find out later what my FSH is this cycle. I should hear back from the IVF coordinator later today what exactly is going to go on for this cycle since I am not sure if I have been ovulating ever since the last IVF. My cycles have been 40+ days each time so I am not really sure if they are going to start me on stims now as my nurse suggested or if we are going to wait until I ovulate and then start the bcp. I'll update when I hear more.

Where are you period???

Come on body, do something right for me! I know you can handle starting a period, maybe me just typing this will get you going.

In the event that my body doesn't cooperate with me I am back to the RE's on Monday for blood work and an u/s to figure out what is going on. I am pretty sure its just that my body doesn't have its shit straight. I have been getting negative hpts for weeks now so I am 99% sure it has nothing to do with something being left over in my ute but who knows. At least I will know as of Monday. I am wondering what this will do to my IVF since I very well may be completely suppressed as it is. Provera, period, then stims. Well that would be just sweet. I am probably getting way ahead of myself here but who knows, it could happen.

On a good news front, my insurace company is going to pay for my ER visit after I called an complained yet again today. I did have to pay a stop payment fee for a check that I sent but paying 30 for the fee versus getting my refund months from now is worth it to me. I did call the company to tell them I stopped the payment so they won't try and cash it. So all is well that ends well in my book.

Fingers crossed the period either comes this week or is just confused and stalled out.

08/06/2009

First off I really can't believe that it's already August. Where did this year go and why is it sucking more ass than last year?(as of Jan 1st I didn't even think that was possible) This thought lead me to some interesting birthday questions...
What do I wish for when I blow out my candles, throw pennies in a fountain, ect... No use in wishing for a healthy baby, because that would have been the fourth year in a row and well that's just pathetic. Don't wish for anything since it won't come true anyway I suppose? So, in a nutshell those were the thoughts running through my head on my awesome birthday!

I still don't have my period yet, I am praying that everything is ok and I am still not retaining some products of conception. I would hate, hate, hate to have to get another d&c. I have to call next Monday if it still fails to show to set up an appointment.

That's all I got this week!

My New Protocol!

It looks like a freaking breeze compared to my last one! I did the long lupron for IVF #1 and I ended up on lupron for six weeks and bcp for three because I didn't suppress correctly.

This is the breakdown of my IVF cycle and the cycle before:


Get period, start low dose steroid, have office monitor me until I ovulate
7-10 days of bcp starting after ovulation to synch hormones
Get period
Start stimming with Follistim on day 3
Add in menopour and granilex as needed
Trigger in the RE's office
Start on PIO on cottonseed oil, progest. supp, and Vivelle patches(jeez, that's a lot of hormones post ET)
1000 mg of Vitamin C starting today

And that's it! By a quick calculation I think I will have to do 60 less shots with this protocol then with my last since we aren't suppressing me with lupron. Woot woot.

I believe we are going to start suppressing not this cycle, but next. With my long ass cycles that will probably put us into September which is fine so we can enjoy the rest of our summer without having to worry about pinpointing my ovulation.

Everything is ordered, paid for, and will be sitting in our fridge for when we are ready for it.

Weekend Pics

Here are a few pics of my first visit to Ocean City, MD!

I tried to get a more centered view but it wasn't happening

Watch out for flying crabs!

Chris and I at Seacrets...we clean up pretty good for getting ready in the car

Saturday went from the day from hell to the best day of the summer. It was the morning from hell because it took us an extra 2.5(4.5 total) hours to get there. There was one minor accident on the way down but you know everyone needs to stop and look at it and then we simply could not find a parking spot. I will have to admit that I was thisclose to crying because I was so sore from sitting in the car and frusturated for such a large city having barely any parking. I told Chris at one point that he might as well just turn around and head back to Delaware. Another thing I didn't get about the city was the hotel/motel prices. They all look like dumps and they want close to $300 a night! Come on! I am not staying in a 1.5/2 star hotel for $269 a night. Priceline will be my friend I am hoping when we go down again at the end of August.

Once we found a spot and decided for sure we would drive home that night, the day went much smoother. I got a fake tattoo, we laid on the beach, and then we went to The Dough Roller for dinner. I can not comment on the pizza, but the sandwiches were just so-so which was disappointing. Chris and I then headed to Seacrets were we proceeded to get ready in the car, thank god for the sundress that I wore that day. Chris is always impressed that I can get changed without anyone seeing my bra and underwear. The cover for Seacrets was only $8 so I didn't think that was bad at all.

The bar looked exactly like something that you would see in Mexico. I felt like we were back on vacation while we were there. The beers weren't too expensive and in addition to a restaurant there was also a stand were you could get pizza and pretzels which is a plus if you are me and you drank too much too quickly. We had to leave the bar around 10:30 because my friend and her man came down and he couldn't get in because of his attire. Oh well!

Lets try this again

My IVF coordinator called me today and left me a mesasge telling me that she had our plan ready...but she has yet again lost our stim sheet from our first IVF and she needed me to fax it to her again. This is the 3rd time I have sent it to them. That's a bit ridiculous if you ask me.

Luckily, I still had the stim sheets from the last time she lost it at work so I faxed it right over to her. I left her a message telling her that our insurance screwed us and we have to put IVF off for a little while. I am hoping for a call back tomorrow to verify that she did get the sheets and when exactly to call again in my cycle when we are ready to do this again.

The rollercoaster of hormones I am on right now is out of control. One day I want nothing to do with anything baby related but then when she called me and told me there is a plan in place I got so excited. Ugh! I am hoping next cycle I will see everything more clearly without the crazy hormones ruling my emotions.

Chris and I did talk yesterday and I told him that we need some fun time. We had the best weekend last weekend! On Friday night we went to a friend's house and just talked around a fire until one in the morning. On Saturday we drove to Ocean City, MD, laid on the beach, grabbed dinner, and then went to Seacrets. What a freaking blast. I have been missing out on so much! I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but it really took having such a fun weekend to really see it for myself.

I am even more excited now that I know I can have fun again and when I am done we have a plan in place. I got another bill in today from the hospital itself so that's a bit more we will owe. I am hoping we will know in the next few weeks exactly what I will owe. I have to print the information out to apply for an appeal, but we all know how that usually goes.

Sometimes you just have to laugh

I checked Saturday's mail and in it is a wonderful bill from my ER visit from when I was pregnant this past time. My lovely insurance company is refusing to pay for my visit even though the RE is the one who sent me there since I hadn't kept anything down in over a week. So we will to pay a bill from the ER itself plus a bill from the doctors network. Sweet!

My insurance company has also not yet paid for my anesthesia from my last IVF which is a few grand.

Needless to say we won't be cycling again anytime soon until all of this crap is paid off and I don't feel like I have some sort of hex on me when it comes to all things pregnancy.

Best possible outcome!

I will have to admit I took a xanax before I went in to try and head off any major breakdowns I thought I may have. No breakdowns here...it was a chromosomal abnormality. Trisomy 17 to be exact and from what I have read it is, of course, an extremely rare abnormality. .2% of all miscarriages to be exact.
Everything else with the chromosomes was fine. No traslocations or other abnormalities as they were suspecting, or maybe in my hysterics I misunderstood what they meant by saying it was genetic. Who knows, and at this point who cares.
The RE feels that this pregnancy just further shows that our IVF protocol was all wrong. It sucks that we still are totally unexplained, but I am over the moon excited that genetically there is nothing wrong and there is no need to do PGD.
We will be cycling again in September, maybe even August. The RE mentioned he may want to use my recent pregnancy/hormones to our advantage, whatever that means and start as soon as I get my post d & e period.
The only thing that saddens me at this point is that I saw the sex on the report. I did not want to see the sex. It was a little girl:(

07/15/2009

Ah, the familiar pains of arthritis/fibro are now becoming my friend again. I had to skip my workout this morning because I felt like somone was sticking a knife into my hip over and over again. Also, if this mother fucking headache doesn't go away soon someone is going to get it. I thought it may have been hormone related since it started up right after my d & e, but I am starting to think its a tension headache.

My follow up is tomorrow, not today. I guess I got the dates wrong when I was scheduling it. I was pretty out of it that day so I wouldn't put it past me to get it wrong. I called the RE yesterday to make sure the testing results are in, and they are, but the nurse wasn't giving up any information so I have to wait...one more day. My mom and husband are nervous for me to go myself tomorrow. I think I will be ok to an extent. The news obviously is bad, IVF w/pgd will most likely be our only option. I get it. Ugh. We still have not come to a firm decision on to IVF again or not. I am sure we will end up doing it again this fall just because we don't have the money to adopt so beating up my mind and my body through IVF is the only viable option we have.

Chris has an ulcer he is so worried about where will we ever come up with 40k. We basically refuse to go back into debt so he feels like its all on him to get a higher paying job. Plus all he has heard are adoption horror stories so he is worried we are going to end up with a child like the one on the Orphange previews on tv. (she has supernatural powers and kills people) Nice.

Let's just recap the past year and a half for a minute...2 c/ps, 1 blighted ovum, 1 missed miscarriage, 1 miserabely failed IVF, finding out our problem is genetic(possibly), 2 vacations that we couldn't enjoy because of the miscarriages/failed IVF, skin cancer and 7 surgeries to remove it. Somethings gotta give, right?

Sexy Undies

That's what I bought myself today. I think the last time I bought anything remotely non-cotton may have been when I was in college. (I don't do thongs as I am super proned to UTIs) How did I lose this much of myself in the past 3 and a half years? Reflecting on what has been I came to realize I have completely forgotten how to appreciate my body. I have down on it for so long...pain issues, infertility, weight gain, ect. Well screw all of that, it's time for me to get back to embracing myself. Luckily, I kept off most of the 15 pounds I lost earlier this year and with a little more working out I should be back to my wedding weight in no time...and if I am not then I am sure I enjoyed whatever the hell food I ate to make me not lose.

Today is a good day and so was yesterday. On Wednesday my lovely boss asked me if I could get my fmla paperwork filled out for all of my future miscarriages so we wouldn't have to bother with the paperwork again. That's when I totally freaked out and said no more. Who the fuck says something like that to someone else? Am I that person that miscarries and does treatment so much it is bothering my boss. So I did what any hormonal person would do and got hysterical in my office and told everyone we would never do treatments again. So that in a nutshell is why I totally flipped out and wrote my last blog.

Priority number one for now besides having fun is finding a new job because I really can't take that whole situation much longer!

Decision has been made

Not to be a drama queen, but IF is ruining my life. It has taken the joy out of everything, how am I supposed to enjoy myself recovering from failed cycles and miscarriages? You can't, that is the answer.

I have been thinking and blogging more and more lately about stopping the madness. I tossed it at Chris a few times in the past few days and he said he is ok with whatever I decide. My decision is to give up, no my decision is to move on and start a new chapter. I don't think there is a single thing the doctor can say to make me want to do this again. I don't have it in me anymore. I hated being pregnant because I could not enjoy a second of it and I don't think that would ever go away. The aftermath of the miscarriage is even worse. My fibro is flaring and I have zero energy. It.is.awful. I hope our final appointment gives us some closure on why all of this happened and if there is any chance of it ever working I will stay off bcp and maybe it will. Or maybe it won't. I can't tell the future, all I know is that the past three and a half years of my life I have carried the question of "will this work" around in my head and when it doesn't comes the questions of "why not" and "why me." A part of me thinks we should have stopped after our last IVF but at least this last miscarriage showed us that our problem is genetic, although I am not sure exactly which genetic problem it is yet.

Imagining that there will never be a little Chris and Kate running around makes me sad, but me throwing away another few years of my life on something that most likely won't work makes me even sadder. I told Chris he could leave me but of course he said he never would and that I am important, not the future children we will never have.

So that's that in a nutshell. The new chapter will include adoption but we want to save up for it as opposed to taking out a loan so it will be years and years away unless one or both of us gets a higher paying job. For now, I am just going to plan our next vacation.