New Year's Eve

I will have to admit that New Year's is not one of my favorite holidays.  It could be the $50 a person to get into a bar-no thanks.  Or maybe it is because my parents never made a big deal about it growing up.  Either way, the fact that it is a new year doesn't really do anything for me.  It will just be Thursday to me.

I swore last New Years Eve that this year would be better.   It was not for the most part where our infertility was concerned.   We started off with what was most likely my first cp.  Gushing blood at my goddaughter's baptism is always a blast.  Then I ended up pregnant again in May, but there was some sort of abnormality and it ended up being a blighted ovum.  More positive pregnancy tests after my IUI only to have another cp.  Then there was the hellish IVF process that ended in disaster.   Looking back, 2007 was a peice of cake ttc wise compared to 2008.

There was a lot of good also.  After the baptism Chris and I went to Niagra Falls for a few days.  Looking back on those pictures I will have to say that out of all of our vacations it looked like we enjoyed ourselves the most there.  I can't wait to go back and cruise around the wine country again and sneaking tons of wine back into the U.S.

My pain issues are for the most part totally under control.  Elmiron was a complete savior where my bladder is concerned.   I have not had a UTI in a long, long time.  I can drink soda and have a beer without worrying what it is going to feel like going to the bathroom in the morning.  I am not on anything for my fibromyalgia and for the most part I feel great, even in this cold weather. The only otc meds I have taken in the past few months was advil and that was for a massive headache, caused by the lovely fertility meds.  My OCD issues are under control for the most part with the help of pro.zac.  I am not a big one antidepressents but not checking the stove and other random things before I leave the house everyday is a huge plus.  I actually used to drive down the road and turn around to make sure that all of the doors were locked.  Wacky, I know.

So there has been good and bad this year and I will take them both.  2009 might not be perfect, but knowing that our ttc journey is over gives me some peace that I have not had in two years.  Who knows what the year will bring but as far as I can tell I seem to be heading in the right direction.  I will take no bio baby if it means that my pain issues are all under control.  The good with the bad, right?  I could not imagine having a baby and being back in the sort of pain I was in a year ago.  I am not sure if that is how it works, no baby for Kate, but we can clear up her pain.  Who knows.

12/29/2008

And we are back! IVF was a total and complete disaster. It took me six weeks to suppress, then we got 14 eggs and only 7 fertilized. On day 5, there was only one fragmented and fair embryo left. We put the embryo back and then realized that I am allergic to sesame oil and I still have hives on my arse from the PIO shots. I have gained at least ten pounds since the miscarriage in May and I have stretch marks on my thighs from my IVF cycle. I go in on Friday for my follow up appointment but we have been told to start thinking about embryo adoption or donor eggs. I am not ready to think of either right now.

The good news is that we are leaving in less than a week for a vacation that we desperately need. I have also been doing really well, mood wise, for the past few days. I got a mani/pedi yesterday and spent the afternoon with myself. It was great. Being able to pamper myself now without freaking about money is going to be a major plus in all of this. I can't wait to get massages on the beach next week in Mexico. I wish we could just leave today. The sad part is that I am already packed and we don't leave until Saturday afternoon!

Back to the old

Blog that is. www.peachykate.blogspot.com

There is no point to be on the peachydoes ivf blog anymore since that is all over!

12/26/2008

The day after Christmas..aka...shopping extravaganza for Kate and Chris. Chris and I hit up the outlets today and I got a ton of stuff with the money my mother in law gave me for Christmas. All new pants, two sizes bigger then I wore a year ago. Oh well. It's my damn hips, I could lose a ton of tummy weight and still not get the damn pants over my thighs/hips. Chris also had me buy some colorful sweaters since he says that I always look like I am going to a funeral because my clothes are so bland.

As far as Christmas went we had a wonderful day. Everyone loved their presents which made us very happy. My mom only asked us once what our next step would be and I just told her traveling for a while. Chris and I had a long talk about whether or not I am actually going to go to school or not and what else I want to do in general. I will eventually figure it all out I assume. The only thing I am thinking about now is vacation in a week.

Christmas Eve

I am not in the most Christmasy mood ever, but I am not doing too bad. I have decided after our WTF appointment next Friday it is going to be a long time before I even start to think about what I want to do about our current situation and talk it over with Chris.

On to what I do want to do. Chris and I have talked about doing our trips to Hawaii and Ireland. I am even thinking of bringing up the Winter Olympics in 2010. I went to the Atlanta Olympics and it was such an awesome experience. Chris wants to move more towards Wilmington when the economy eventually picks back up and I have no desire to do that. I love my town, I love my house, I love how much I pay for my house on a monthly basis. In one of my bitchier moments yesterday I said that if we moved up there we might as well buy a condo because there is no point in having a bigger house. Chris said well we will if we adopt, but then of course we won't have money to buy a bigger house anyway. It's a catch-22.

I know this is going to sound selfish but whatever. I can't wrap my head around spending 26-30k to adopt. We just paid off 26k in credit card debt and I can't begin to imagine having that much debt again. Plus throw in the fact that with domestic adoption you might put out a ton of money only to have the mother decide against adoption and you lose some of that money. Years ago we researched Chinese adoptions but there waiting list is now seven years long or something ridic like that. How in the world could we afford a loan payment plus daycare every month? It would be so expensive. We would end up right back where we were a few years ago fighting all of the time about money and being super stressed out.

Here is my last gripe of the day. If one more person tells me to just ask my sister to donate her eggs is going to get it. Even if it is my sister donating eggs, it is still 10k to have her do it. She is only 20 and who knows what quality her eggs are. Maybe if she was seven years older, not younger and was a proven fertile mertile I would think about it. It's not like you can just wave a magic wand and take her eggs out.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Lost

I am grateful that we did IVF because at least now we know that our chances of having a bio child are slim to none even if we don't really know the reason for it. I like to know things, definite things, no more wavering on will I or won't I be pregnant. The answer is no so I can stop even thinking about it on a monthly basis.

I don't think donor eggs is going to be an option for me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that our child will be half DH and half someone else. I don't need to have a bio link to our child, but I feel weird in our child only having a link to one of us. Like he/she will be DH's child and not mine. A child made with someone else's egg versus a baby/embryo we will be adopting together. I am an all or nothing girl. DH doesn't feel strongly that we try donor eggs so I think we will research adoption and embryo donation down the line, with embryo donation being the first option.

The only reason I applied to grad school was so that I could make more money for when we had kids. I am of course going to still go because I simply just don't like to fail but I don't see the point. We live in a little home that we can afford, we no longer need a bigger house. If we go regular adoption it will take us YEARS to save up the money and who knows if we will even be eligible for embryo donation with my pain issues.

WTF am I even doing with myself? Since I am clueless at the time, I have decided to dive back in to studying buddhism. I am hoping to find some comfort. I know there is nothing we can do to change this. It is what it is. It is sad though.

Under the weather

I have had the stomach bug since Saturday night! It is so gross and I am still not completely over it yet. I am down five pounds at this point which is up five as of Sunday night. I am going to attempt to eat a piece of toast in a bit when I can get a break at work.

I am not pregnant. IVF #1 was a bust. I called the office back yesterday and asked if we could get an appointment sooner then the end of January and she fit me in next Friday so we are happy about that. We are not going to do treatments again anytime soon but I am so curious to know what they think happened and if there is anything that can be done. Or if we do have to start thinking about donor eggs or adoption.

So that is that in a nutshell. I have to go in this afternoon for my official beta and then this nightmare of an IVF will be over with!

7dp5dt

I tested this morning because we all know I just can't help myself and it was negative. No shocker there. I am feeling extremely numb to all of this. It's not fair, but no one ever said that life was fair.

I am going to test tomorrow and then again on Monday. If it's still negative then I am going to call the clinic and schedule our WTF appointment and see if I can do my beta sooner then 16dp5dt. I am not starting to wonder if they are closed next week and that is the reason they are making me wait so long to do the blood test.

6dp5dt

Holy over emotional alert! I am ready to cry at the drop of a hat today, it's not a pretty thing. Maybe I just need to get some more sleep.

As far as symptoms go, nothing has changed. Luckily, my rash has gotten much better so maybe it had nothing to do with the PIO shot and it was just some freak occurrence. I am not holding out much hope since I am so emotional today. This is always how I get before I get my period and I usually get it 12 dpo, which would technically be tomorrow. Oh well, I think it would be much harder say if we put in two grade A embryos, but being that we knew this most likely wouldn't stick anyway hopefully I won't be so disappointed.

5dp5dt

Crazy Rash-check
Nausea-check
Bruised ass-check check
killer boobs-check
stopped myself from testing-check

I am so damn happy it's Thursday!!!

Spaztastic

Is that fact that I am a total spaz that transparent? I am rolling here at the comment from my last post. OCD at it's best baby! There is no way in hell I am shooting my ass with PIO for an extra week if this didn't work.

Update on the rash~ they think I am allergic to sesame oil and are switching me to olive oil. Hopefully I will have the new meds sometime by the end of the week.

4dp5dt

I woke up with a rash on my chest and neck this morning! Ugh. So not attractive to say the least. It's not itchy, doesn't look like hives(which I get from time to time), I have not changed detergent/soap/shampoo, and I did not eat anything weird yesterday. It is above and beyond me at this point what the rash is from.

As far as symptoms go I have an upset stomach, sore boobs(going on 2 months now), and cramping/pulling in the ute area. All of these could be from the progesterone plus me getting my period so only time will tell if they are real of fake symptoms!

I only have 4 pregnancy tests left and I am trying to decide how to space them out. I am thinking Friday to test out the trigger, then again on Sunday and the following Tuesday. By Tuesday I will be 10dp5dt so I am thinking that will be more then enough time for some hcg to show up in my system if this IVF worked. Would you space them out differently?

My embie

Embryologist just called

To tell me that none made it to freeze. Yep, we already knew that. She wasn't sure if the doctor told me exactly what was going on during Saturdays transfer or not. I guess sometimes they don't offer up info about how the other ones are doing not to upset the patient. Who knows.

I also talked to the IVF coordinator who is working on getting us our freeze refund and getting Chris' insurance information straightened out. We can go back basically any time we want to in the upcoming months for our follow up appointment where we can discuss other options. Ouch! The one thing they did tell me that embryo quality is the one thing they can not change.

I will have to say it does look like our IVF journey may be coming to an end if this does not work. Our insurance does not cover PGD or donor eggs and we don't have the extra cash for it. We did talk about adoption over the weekend, but same thing. We don't have 26-30k laying around in an account anywhere. I am sure we eventually will but it will be no time within the next few years. I am just so thankful that we did not put in an offer on the house we liked last month. I could not imagine moving into a much bigger home when it just us and the pugs.

Two good things I keep coming back to:
1) I have not had a UTI for the past year and my IC has calmed down to the point to where sex no longer hurts and I can drink the occasional acidic drink without feeling like my urethra is on fire.
2) I am on no drugs as of today and my fibro is incredibly under control compared to last year.
I am super thankful for both of these, plus my wonderful husband and puggers.

Bedrest is done!!!

That was torture for me(I think because it is not shown whether it helps or not)! At the 3 hours mark I thought I was going to go nuts. I watched four movies, played word soup, and then I finally just went to bed and laid there until 11 am this morning. That was about enough for me, but Chris is still not letting me do much of anything. He said I am not even allowed in the car today!

I have my embies picture up on the fridge! My little fragmented embie is adorable to me. I amnot at all upset about the way it turned out, this is apparently what was supposed to be so I am going with the flow. The PIO and estrace must be starting to get to me because I was throwing up this morning. I keep trying to tell Chris that it doesn't mean anything except for the fact that my body is very sensitve to hormone changes. I am now sucking down ginger ale and saltines.

I'll update later this week when I start testing out the trigger. Fun times;)

One fighter left standing

That's all we had left when we went in this morning. One lone fighter in the bunch. He is fragmented and the quality still was not very high. Time will tell if he sticks or not.

Chris and I decided we will take another long break if this fails. We will go to our WTF appointment to see if they are going to suggest donor eggs at this point. When I spoke to the embryologist she wanted to know how old I was because of how bad my eggs did. I had to giggle a bit at that one. It's not funny at all, but it was either that or cry so I chose to laugh.

They didn't schedule my beta for over two weeks from today which I find a bit ridiculous and I am sure I will be testing before then.

Update it is in

And it is not at all pretty. Out of the 6, 1 stopped dividing. The rest all all fair quality and fragmented. We are not even sure if we are going to go through with the transfer and we are definitely not going to freeze these poor eggs. From everything I have read fragmeneted, fair eggs have a low rate of implantation and a high rate of m/c. I just can't believe there wasn't 1 decent one in the bunch. From how bad they sounded I would even be surprised if any make it until Saturday.

That's about it. They do want us to go in on Saturday still so the embryologist can talk to us. After this will take a long, possibly permanent break. I could deal with the ok response to the meds, then we had the less then stellar fert rate and to top it all of they are not dividing correctly. It would seem this problem is slightly bigger then just tweaking th meds a bit.

Unexplained my left ass cheek!

Still no embie update

It is now 4:11 est and I still have not received a call yet from the clinic. I have remained calm most of the day figuring that some women in my group are still doing retrievals and I am sure there are a lot more embryos in the lab today vs how many were in there on Tuesday. They close in 20 minutes though! I have tried not to call and bother them all day but I think I am going to have to soon. I just want to know that we have a few left.

Tagged

I was tagged by Gaia today! Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. I used to be "allergic" to myself. Everytime I would stress out, I would break out in hives.
2. I was a high level gymnast and hated it so much at the end I would hide in my room so I would not have to go to practice.
3. I have been to Disney World at least 25 times.
4. I have heroin addict-like veins in my arms from so many blood draws during the past three years.
5. The RC church told my husband and I we could not get married there and that our marriage would fail if we didn't start trying to have kids right away.
6. I have mild OCD and when it is acting up I double and triple check the stoves and doors before I leave the house.
7. I love to play word games.

I am tagging
Echloe
The Worms
517butterfly
Life and Love in a Petri Dish
t.bird
Meepit
Jackiemac

My arse is on fire!!!

Well that is actually a bit of a stretch. I am still having a weird reaction to the trigger shot. First it was a welt the size of a softball, then it was just very tender, and yesterday we noticed that it was blistering like a burn. I went to the office today and they truly had no idea what could have happened. I am supposed to keep heat on it and try benadryl cream tonight. Truly, as long as my undies and pants don't ride along it I feel fine but they wanted to check it out anyway. I am digging being the medical mystery of the day.

Other than that everything is flowing smoothly today. I did a "letting go" guided meditation that I found on meditationoasis.com last night and it was wonderful. All I can do today is send my lucky 7 embies good thoughts and wait to hear how they are doing tomorrow morning. I thought I would be super nervous, but I am strangely feeling at peace with all of this. It will either work or it won't, and there is nothing that Chris and I could have done to make the outcome any different. I am sure that planning our cruise excersions and getting ready for Christmas have also been helpful distractions.

I will update tomorrow morning when I hear how our embies are doing!

I need to re-learn how to relax

I need to relax. 7 is perfectly fine and I would like to thank clio for her constant calming words. I tried to meditate last night but could not do it so I am going to try again tonight. I might need a tune up from the therapist that taught me how to relax.(I know, what a spaz to have to be taught that) I have my lucky necklace, my lucky 7 embryos and my 25 dollars in lottery scratch off winnings from after my retrieval on Monday.

Worse comes to worse that we don't have anything to transfer that is fine because they would not have been viable anyway and we will get our $500 dollars back for cyro-preservation.

Quick Update

My retrieval went well yesterday. We ended up with 14 eggs retrieved.

My fert report looks as follows:
Out of the 14 retrieved, 12 were mature.
Out of those 12, 7 fertilized.

We are definitely below average were our fertilization percentage is but the clinic still thinks we will have some to transfer on Saturday. I am starting to get super nervous now though and am going to call to ask if that is still the plan since it did not go as well as the RE was expecting.

One day can make a huge difference

I triggered last night! My u/s yesterday went great, some of the follies on the left caught up so we were very excited about that. My ER is tomorrow morning at 9 am.

My only issue at this point is that I have a softball sized welt on where I had the trigger shot last night. It feels like a bruise but has not turned into one yet. Has anyone had this happen to them?

Trying not to lose all hope

I just got back from yet another follie scan. First off let me tell you how sore my hooha is from daily visits with the magic dildo cam. Second is that my left ovary has crapped out on me. I now have 7 on the left that are above 14 at least with a few in the 18-19 range. On the right, yeah they all stopped at 12. The RE didn't even bother measuring them today because they are so small compared to the ones on the right. It looks like I will have one more monitoring appointment and then we will be triggering tomorrow night. That will put the retreival on Monday. I guess at this point I am hoping for 5 mature eggs. Wow, I had 20 follies on Monday and now I am praying that we end up with 5. Sucks.

Trying not to be bummed out on our anniversary

I went in for another follie check this morning and I went from 20 to 14, and still only half of those are measurable. I know that we are doing IVF for a reason and this sort of thing is to be expected but it still sucks. I guess we have gone from hoping we retrieve 17 eggs as the RE was hoping for to hoping we get 6 or 7. I will get another call this afternoon telling me when I need to come back. My largest is only at 14 so I am hoping to have tomorrow off from the magic dildo cam.

I feel gross

Today is day 5 of follistim, lupron, and low dose hcg plus the antibiotic. I am not sure which of these evil meds it is, but I have zero appetite and feel totally disgusting. My ovaries are starting to feel fuller and it is getting uncomfortable to wear pants and bend over, although I take this as a good thing.

My next monitoring appoitment is tomorrow morning and then I only have two days left of the antibiotic and hopefully I will start to feel better for a few days before i start taking it again after the retrieval. BLAH!

Stim Check #1

I have 20 total follies, 10 on each side. After three days of stims, I have 6 or 7 that are measurable. I had a 12 and the rest were 10s. The nurse expects some of the rest to catch up throughout the week. My lining is at 9 already so everything is actually looking good for once! They should be calling me back this afternoon with any med changes and whether they need to see me tomorrow or not.

I am not too uncomfortable yet. My left hip is hurting like a mofo and I am not wondering if that has something to do with the fact that the left ovary has more of the big ones on it. Maybe, maybe not. The shots have been a breeze except for the follistim. I am not sure what it is about it but when Chris gives it to me it hurts so I decided to do it myself last night and it didn't hurt quite as bad. I think it has something to do with the twisting of the pen. It is easier to keep straight when I get it to myself and I don't have to push on my stomach as hard.

Starting stims on Friday!

I am not sure if I will be posting much over the weekend so I am going to comment as much as I for ICLW in between running cases today!

The phone never rang last night which means that I am officially suppressed and starting stims on Friday. The med teaching class went just fine yesterday, after a month on lupron I didn't expect it to be too hard. The PIO shot is scaring the hell out of me because of my arthritis in the lower back but I will worry about that when we come to it. I almost laughed when the nurse told me to ice it for ten mintues and I would be fine. Little do they know I had a hard time walking at work yesterday after they were done poking around to show Chris the right spot. It's going to be a freaking mess, but worth it if it works. That is going to be my motto, please remind me if I seem like it's getting to be too much in a few weeks.

We are heading home tomorrow for Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday because my whole Buffalo family came down to spend time with us. Thanksgiving all sort of fell apart after my papa died a long time ago. Then half the family came down and for the past three years no one has come down. It's just not the same without 25 wackos running around. They still all come down for the 4th of July so that has taken over my favorite holiday slot.

Have a wonderful holiday!

Tick Tock

I have to wait until at least five o'clock! I still have small follies on both of my ovaries. We have to see what my E2 level is at before they can decide if we can go ahead with this cycle or not. It has been such a roller coaster so far that I think I am prepared for it to go either way. I find it completely shocking that over four weeks of lupron and three weeks of bcp did not suppress me. My body is always doing the opposite of what we want it to do, just like me I guess.

What a weekend!

I really needed this weekend. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun! Chris and I went to see Twilight on Friday night. It was great! Not as great as the book, but still great. Chris even liked it which I was happy about. He had me fill in the blanks the whole way home about things that he didn't quite understand about the movie.

On Saturday we went to our friends house for our first Thanksgiving dinner. We had an absolute blast. The archery competition started as soon as we got there. I was not strong enough to pull the compound bow all the way back so I was automatically out. Chris did really well with the bow but the competition ended early because it was so cold. Next came shooting the 22. I loved it! Last time I was there I shot a shot gun and a glock which scared the ever living loving shit out of me.

The food was great and I had way too much to drink. Chris helped me shoot up my lupron in the bathroom at 5 which was very nice of him. I sucked major ass at pool but what can you do. On the way home, we pulled over into a development and parked in someone's driveway to have sex. It was fantastic and hysterical all at the same time. Luckily, we did not get caught which was pleasant. I, of course got seriously sick when we eventually got home. Beer, vodka, wine, and scotch just don't mix. I should have known this but I was having so much fun that I really didn't care at the time.

It took me basically the whole day yesterday to recoup. I am hoping that will be my last drinking adventure for at least the next ten months.

A few crazy days

Things I have done in the past few days:
1. Fight with Chris over anything and everything
2. Refuse my lupron shot because of the headaches. Luckily Chris did it for me like he always does.
3. Emptied out my dirty laundry basket on the kitchen floor because none of my pants fit anymore and we were going out to the bar.
I am sure there are more but that is all I can think of right now.

Everyone keeps telling us that the suppression phase leading up to starting stims is the hardest part. I am hoping that is correct because it would mean that we hopefully only have one week left and since I am now allowed to take Advil I think I can deal with the headaches.

I am in love with the Twilight series. They are silly teenage romance novels and they suck me in. If you are looking for a good read, this isn't it. If you are in for a cheesy at time romance that will take you no time to read I suggest you pick it up. We are going tonight to see the movie. I am sure it will be a cheesefest also but I am so excited!

Suppressed!

Thank you IVF gods. I would say god in general but we all know how I feel about that and thank you buddha just doens't seem right either so we are thanking the IVF gods today. My u/s didn't look so hot but my bloodwork showed that I am suppressed so we are on next Tuesday for my meds teaching and one final u/s to make sure my lining is still nice and thin.

Truthfully

I don't think that I will be able to hold it together tomorrow if our IVF cycle is canceled. That will be two canceled IVF cycles in two months plus one canceled IUI earlier this year, one blighted ovum, and two "possible" c/ps all in the matter of a year. I just don't know if I will be able to do it to myself again next year when not a damn thing went right this year. I keep pretending like everything will be fine and I will just focus on losing some weight and then everything will come together next year. But really why would it? Nothing will change between now and then. I will still have endo, Chris' sperm will still suck and we will be in the same exact situation we are in now.

I am just warning you that tomorrow will not be pretty if we are canceled yet again.

Pre-Baseline is tomorrow

We find out tomorrow if we are going to move forward with this cycle or not. We still don't have our hopes up so I don't think it will be too bad tomorrow if they end up telling us that we are done for the year. Chris and I have decided that if this goes to shit that we will wait at least until next spring, maybe even next summer when we will be situated in our new house and have saved up enough money for another cycle.

We did find a house that we are in love with. It has been on the market for over a year and it was the original model home in the development so it has all of the bells and whistles that we would want which means that Chris and I would virtually have to do nothing to the house which would be a major change to our current house. The shit thing is that it is a short sale which means that we can not put in an offer that is contingent on us selling our home, but with the state of the economy plus with how long it has been for sale I am hoping it is still there in Jan/Feb when our house goes up. If it does sell before then I think we will look into having Ryan home built and we will just live with my MIL until it's ready.

I have a client so I must go and be bitched at. Yay!

11/12/2008

There is still not much going on here. We still have to wait until next Tuesday to find out if we can move forward with this IVF or not. I am trying to be as optimistic as possible although my husband is starting to loose hope in our clinic. My drugs are all finally ordered as far as I know and should arrive by the end of the week so that is a step in the right direction! I am just keeping everything crossed that I don't ovulate again sometime next week. Then I would force the RE to look things over again and change my protocol. If six weeks of lupron hasn't suppressed me, then in my opinion it is time to try something else.

In other news my fibro is flaring big time. I am to the point today where I don't even want anyone touching me, at all. If this IVF goes bust, I am thinking for my mental health that we will break until it gets warm again so I can go back on some type of meds to manage my pain levels. Pregnancy would also work as fibro sometimes goes away when you get pregnant, just like it does if you have RA.

Other than that everything seems to be running smoothly. We have over half of our Christmas shopping done and we have decided that we are not buying each other anything this year since we are cruising a week later. We are going to the development that we like tomorrow with a realtor to see if we like any of the houses so I am very excited about that!

No protocol change if this does not work

The nurse called me back and they will not change my protocol next year if this does not work out. She said it will eventually work and that they think me not suppressing has to do with my age. Next Tuesday can't come quick enough.

Come the fuck on

I am going in next Tuesday morning for a monitoring appointment to see if I am going to ovulate again so we can just cancel now instead of making me do yet another week of lupron. They are worried because I should not have gotten my period this weekend so who the hell knows which way is up at this point. This is all starting to get old. I am hoping that if we have to cancel again that they will change my protocol next year to something different since lupron and bcp just don't seem to do it for me.

My fricking period

I got my fricking period today! I have been on lupron for two weeks now. Is this ok, IVF wise? I am going to have to call Monday morning and see if everything is still going to be fine. We will see, I don't have my hopes up too high because who knows what in the hell my body is doing.

Here is the tmi part, my period is freaking nasty as anything. Dark brown, I bled through my damn pants while we were house hunting today. I just wasn't expecting it! Oh well, at least I don't wear expensive undies:)

11/07/2008

Not much is going on in Peachyland this week. We were off on Tuesday for Election day and then Chris and I took off yesterday. He has a cold and my fibromyalgia is acting up big time with all of this cool and rainy weather. We pretty much stayed bundled up under the covers all day and we are both feeling better today. I am hoping that his cold goes away soon, because he is the biggest baby whe he is sick!

We are going to go see Role Models tonight and then we are just going to relax this weekend. We are pretty busy from next weekend through December so we might as well enjoy it while we can.

I am so excited for our cruise! With all of the IF drugs and upset binging I have gained about 12 pounds since last summer. I realize that I am in no way heavy so I am not going to go there but I do need to buy summer clothes so I won't feel like I am squeezing into everything. My IVF cycle finishes only a week before we leave so I will hopefully be pregnant and bloated because of that, or it will fail and I will still be bloated from all of the stimming drugs and progesterone.

So, since I can already tell that I may be slightly emotional on the cruise(our due date also falls when we are away) I am doing my best to make sure that I have everything I need to look hot no matter what my exact size is that day. I bought new swimsuits today. You can get some fantastic clearance deals right about now. I bought four new bottoms for 4 bucks a piece and then I bought two new tankini tops on the lands end website. I also have been stocking up on cute dresses since the summer so I won't have to worry about wearing shorts around. It really sucks that the economy is so bad right now, but you can really find some good deals if you look around.

New Schedule!

I received my new IVF schedule today. Almost all of my appointments are in Dover and I am the first appointment of the day. This actually works out better than I had for the first IVF try. The RE is not at all worried about over suppression looking at how my ovaries responded to the lowest dose of clomid combined with our suppression efforts this month.

I have a new tttc sister and we are on the same schedule now which I find exciting. After talking to the nurse today I am feeling so much better about everything. Three more weeks of lupron here I come!

IVF take one was canceled

Despite being on bcp for three weeks and lupron for two, I did not suppress. I freaking ovulated through all of that and my lining was not thin as I still have yet to get a period. As of right now, they are keeping me on lupron for another three and a half weeks and I will go back the last week of Nov for another baseline appointment to see if that worked. I am worried that I will over suppress this time and not even make it to the ER but I am trying my best to just follow the doctor's orders.

I am now waiting for the coordinator to call me back so I can schedule all of my appointments and to see if they are ever going to bother ordering my trigger shot and two extra boxes of lupron. I hope this all starts to turn around soon, I am trying to stay as neutral as possible. When I talk to people I act pessimistic, although I am really not. I am praying for a Christmas miracle.

What a great weekend!

Chris and I had such a nice and relaxing weekend! We went to my sister's last non-playoff home game of the year and they won! Her team is now regionally ranked which has not happened since she has been on the team. After the game we all went out to eat and I finally got to see her house. It is in the "hood" as she calls it, but the house itself is very nice.

After we left the "hood" we headed over to the Wachovia Center for the Coldplay concert. We tailgated for a bit in the parking lot. One interesting thing about where my sister lives is that they have liquor stores and they have beer stores. I have never even heard of this before, but it worked out to our advantage because the beer store had a fall beer that I like and can no longer find in our town. We bought a case of it, because that is all they sell and we were on our way. Anywho, we went inside just in time for the opening act to begin.

The opening act played for what seemed like forever and then Coldplay came on a half an hour later. They were fantastic. They stage set-up was awesome. The only odd thing was that they played the same song twice during the concert. I am not sure if that was on purpose or not. I would definitely go see another one of their concerts. I was so surprised at how much both of us enjoyed it. Generally when we go to concerts we see acts that just one of us wants to see, so this was great because we both had a blast.

Yesterday Chris went to help his friend finish off his roof and I made 15 body scrubs. When he got home we played Pure for the rest of the day. I just love atv/skiing video games.

The RE finally called me back this morning and of course they don't know what happened with the shot, blah blah blah. They are going to give me one that they have at the office and then when I finally get mine in I just have to return it. I have to remember to bring my box of Lupron tomorrow that they gave me in case mine didn't come in time. Are we seeing a pattern here?

I still don't have all of my drugs yet!

I called up the pharmacy yesterday and asked them why I don't have my trigger shot yet and they say it was never ordered. Then I call Medco and they say they didn't receive the order either. So my trigger shot was never ordered! I am starting to get so annoyed with all of this. My big meds teaching class is next Tuesday morning and Rosemont said the only way to get it for then is if the RE calls and orders it today. I have called the med ordering woman and my IVF coordinator. I am hoping they can get this solved by today or I am going to be even more stressed then I already am. They keep stressing how important the trigger shot is and how some people mess it up and how I NEED to have it for the teaching class. Once again they have dropped the ball with all of this. Of course in the end it could have been the pharmacy's fault or maybe it just didn't go through the fax machine. I am trying yet again to give them the benefit of the doubt but I am super annoyed.

Fuckshit!

Last Day of BCP!

The last bcp I hopefully ever have to take went down the hatch this morning! I so happy about this and I am praying that my acid reflux stops very soon.

Mood-wise, I am not doing so hot. I am ok at work, but that is probably because no one is around me. By the time I am done for the day I am so annoyed and moody that last night after fighting with DH, I just went to bed at 6 and took a nap. I could cry at the drop of a hat at this point over pretty much nothing. I am so anxious over my suppression check next Tuesday. I keep asking my ovaries to cooperate with me.

The work day is already half over so that is something to be thankful for! Now if I could just get my blogger background to change then all would be right in my world.

Mock Transfer

I woke up this morning and diligently drank my 32 oz of fluids so I would have a full bladder for my mock transfer this morning. I thought it would be a pain-free and easy visit. I was wrong. My bladder did not come close to filling so I had to go drink more water. I was brought back an hour later and it was still not fill. The nurse went ahead anyway and did the mock transfer. My cervix decided it was going to be a bitch also and it hurt worse then anything I have had done so far. She did finally get in and everything was fine. For the real transfer I have to start drinking water two hours early instead of one and she put some notes in my chart about my silly bladder and cervix.

Of course, 20 minutes after I left I was peeing my pants every five minutes for a half an hour. So, my plan is to drink 16 oz two hours before, another 16 oz an hour and a half before and so on. I don't want to be to the point of peeing myself on the way to Newark but I also don't want to mess up the ET schedule by not having a totally full bladder. For whatever reason it just takes my bladder longer to fill after drinking then most peoples. It's also not helpful that my bladder does not hold as much liquid as other non-IC bladders. Screw it though, at the end she got it in and everything was fine.

Weekend Update

Let's start with talking about Lupron. Holy fatigue batman. I was passed out by 5:30 last night and then barely slept because I was hot flashing. I literally woke up soaking wet at one point. All in all though I will take that over awful headaches and joint pain any day of the week. I only have three more days left of bcp and then I am praying that my acid reflux goes away! I have no idea what it is about me and bcp but the two just don't mix.

Saturday night was supposed to be my girl's night...but only one person showed. I knew two weren't coming because they called so that was all good. The rest just didn't call and didn't show up. When Chris has parties this happens often but never when I have my girlfriends over. I bought so much stuff for the party also and did my best to eat and drink everything on my own. I still had a lot of fun with B so it was all worth it in the end.

Martini sampling night with Chris was also entertaining. Most of the martinis we just took a sip and then chucked it. The only one I ended up liking was a Apple Cinnamon Cider Martini and Chris didn't love any of them. If you like spicy things, then I think the Pumpkin Martini would be good for you. Now I have a ton of schnapps left over and my liquor cabinet is overflowing!

Yesterday we ran to linens n things to check out the liquadtion sale. I would wait a few more weeks before wasting your time going there. 10-30% off just doesn't do much for me! We did get a great flannel sheet/duvet set for half off but that was because it rang up wrong the first time and then the supervisor was getting frusturated with it and it totally worked out in our benefit.

That was it! My mock transfer is on Wednesday! I still do not have some of my drugs so I am hoping they will all be in by the end of the week. I also need to talk with the nurse of Wednesday about the PIO shots and what they think about using the thigh instead of the hip. My hips hurt just to the touch so I can't imagine driving a needle into them. We of course will do it there if we have to, but I read online today that the thigh is also an option.

Phew...

The insurance/RE fiasco has been settled. Thank the lord, because I was about to have a total and complete freak out. The RE's office finally called me back regarding the approval and of course she said it had nothing to do with her, blah blah blah, they just wanted four extra things out of my chart. Personally, I don't care what they wanted and don't see how faxing four pieces of paper is that big of a deal but that is just me. I finally told her that it doesn't matter whose fault it was since it is fine now.

I start Lupron tonight! I am 95% excited, 5% scared. The needle for the lupron seems pretty small so I think I will be fine having Chris give it to me later. A friend asked today if this is the only one I give myself. It's funny how unless you have the box of meds you have no idea how many shots this whole process entails. You should see the bags and bags of needles that Medco sent me. I am begining to think I am going to need another sharps container. All I can think though is that it will be worth it in the end! Even if IVF #1 doesn't work, the RE is hoping for some good frozen embies that we can work with next year.

I found at least ten seasonal martini recipes for my party tomorrow night. Chris and I are going to give them a whirl tonight while watching The St.rangers. It should be a fun night!

Worn Down

I am feeling seriously worn down today. I just got off the phone with my mother who said I should be fighting with the RE's office right now. I just don't have it in me. It's not that I don't care, because I do but I am so sick of being pissed about this, crying, wanting to throw things. It will either work out or it won't. My family has been drilling that motto into my head for the past two and a half years and now that I am saying it they are pissed. If this cycle is canceled because of my office, then I will most likely look for a new office since they can't be trusted. It won't be the end of the world. We have already waited almost three years, what is a few more months.

My fibromyalgia is starting to act up again. My bcp is giving me wretched heartburn and I basically just want this week to be over so I can sleep in on Saturday. That's all I really want right now.

BCBS just told me that I "should" have an answer by the end of the day. I did call the coordinator and left her a not so nice message asking her what is going on and that the insurance company told me what the hold up was. Them!

And I thought I was worried last night

My IVF coordinator got back to me today regarding my questions about when to take the Lupron. While we were on the phone she told me that she hated my insurance company and that they red flagged me and were denying coverage for our cycle that starts Friday. I, of course start freaking out big time especially when she said it might have something to do with my age or that I did get pregnant on my own once. Once I relaxed a bit I called my insurance company. The customer service people couldn't figure out what was going on at first either. After being on hold for a good ten minutes they came back to me and said that my doctor's office never filled out the questionare that was sent to them a few weeks ago! I was livid. The good news is that they did get it basically while I was on the phone with them. The bad news is that my office lied to me about the problem and made me totally freak out over nothing. I am not too happy with them and at 3:48 pm I am still waiting for a call back so I will know if we can go ahead with this cycle or not. It is really taking all of my bitchy stregnth not to call my coordinator and call her on lying to me about the problem. If I knew it was their fault to beging with I would have been upset but not nearly as pissed as I was this morning. Fingers crossed that we find out something by tomorrow at the latest or I will be pushed off this cycle and it is the last one of the year. The next one we can do is not until freaking March!

I am a teeth grinder

My sister is one also. I always used to push her over or wake her up when we were on vacation and I couldn't sleep because of all the noise. Then Chris told me one day that I am just as bad as she is, it's just no one told me before. For a while I was even wearing a guard at night to help save my teeth. Once I started meditating before bedtime then the grinding stopped until last night. On the outside I am pretty calm about IVF, but I must freaking out subconsciously. I am going to have to try and do more relaxing before bed so I can try and get a better night sleep. I am sure the cold weather and my fibromyalgia starting to flare isn't helping matters either. So my plan for the week is to try and do yoga before bed and then do guided meditation right before I go to sleep and hopefully I will have a non-grinding night.

The good news on the meds front is that my Lupron and Follistim will be at the house today. Medco is out of low dose hcg so the RE needs to order that from somewhere else for me. I am thinking by next Friday that I will have everything I need which is a relief.

I still haven't done any work yet today so I better get up on that.

Lupron Session

I just got back from the RE where Rhonda taught me how to get the correct amount into the syringe and then where to inject it. All in all it doesn't look hard at all and I am sure Chris and I will be more then fine with that injection. I was also given my full schedule of what meds I take when which will be going right on the refrig when I get home.

Medco sent me an email saying that it is going to take 3 to 5 days to process my order. I am hoping that is not actually the case and am going to call them tomorrow afternoon if I have not yet heard from them.

I do not go back to the RE until next Wednesday for my mock transfer and that is the only appointment I have next week! Then the following week we have our big med teaching lesson and that falls on Election Day so we are off anyway.

It's slowly but surely coming along.

My Protocol is finally in!

Here is what I know so far:
I am currently on bcps.
I start Lupron on Friday.
I will be doing 300 of Folllistim everyday.
Plus a small amount of HCG.

He did say that the 300 of Follistim is a lot for someone my age but they think that I need it with the endometriosis. It might put me at a slightly greater risk for OHSS though so I need to keep a close eye on it.

Chris also gave his sample while we were there today. They will call later with the SA results and it will also be frozen. From what he told me, his volume was very low again. Oh well!

my pants fit again

This makes me ridiculously happy. I know that this will not last long since I start Lupron next weekend but I am going to enjoy my unbloated waistline for the time being.

I really can't get over that it is already Friday. I think we are putting in attic stairs this weekend as our project. After that is complete then the upstairs will officially be done and we will start on the basement later this winter. We do want to re-do the bathroom but it works for now and what we want to do with it won't be super cheap so we will have to save up for it.

Chris really wants to see Max Payne this weekend and it is playing at the drive in. A win-win situation for all involved. The movie is getting awful reviews in the papers so I may try and persuade him to wait until it comes out on video because I hate spending 20 bucks on a crap movie.

I am also loving the whole "Joe the plumber" situation. It gets better by the minute. He a)is not registered to vote b)owes back taxes to the state of Ohio and c)is not even licensed to be a plumber. LOVES IT!

Update on my meds

The reason I have not yet had a call from Medco is because they did not present my case at the IVF meeting this Tuesday. My file was in Dover since I had an appointment there that day and they were unable to do it. My IVF coordinator is apparently one step ahead of my worries though. If she can't get up with my doctor today then she is going to have dr. F come up with my protocol. This is all good in my book since he is the head of the IVF program. From what I was told before though I am going to have a pretty straight forward protocol for the first time so I am thinking they would both come up with the same thing anyway.

Since my Lupron may or may not be in by next week, the coordinator is putting a box aside for me that she has sitting in her office for me to take after my Monday morning appointment. I will just give her either that box back if mine come on time or one of my boxes back if mine do not. Perfect! She really does have her shit in order which is fantastic since it's one less thing I have to worry about.

Still waiting for Accredo to call

Let me start off by saying that during my other cycles I have never had a problem with Accredo(Medco's infertility department). When I went on Monday to my appointment and told them who I get my meds from the IVF nurse just cringed and said they have so many problems with them. The only thing I really need next week is my Lupron and that is not until the end of the week.

I am going to give them until tomorrow morning to call and then I will get on the horn with the IVF nurse to figure out what is going on. I am not sure if I am freaking because she was freaked that I was using Medco or if I shouldn't be worried since I have been using them for the past six months and have not had a problem. Always something to worry about it seems.

58 days

until my beta. LOL! 34 days until my estimated egg retrieval and 9 days until I start Lupron. I am at least hoping it will go by quicker when I start stimming.

Chris and I have done a lot of talking in the past two days about how many to put back. Our appointment regarding this is on Monday morning. I think that we are comfortable with the clinic's suggestion that if we have one perfect blastocyst on day 5 we will just put that back. If our embies are not as good of quality as they would like to see then I am leaning towards putting back two. We don't have unlimited funds and insurance to do this over and over again so the thought of putting back only one worries me a bit. If IVF 1 fails, then we decided we will definitely put 2 back next time.

All Clear

My SHG was all clear. I was so nervous last night that I would need another lap. The lap itself wasn't bad so I don't want to scare anyone, it was the two bladder infections I ended up with after.

My next appointment is Monday morning where Chris and I go for our consent appointment and freezing. I believe this is the appointment where we decide how many we are putting back and I know that the option is one or two. They prefer to transfer back one and I am fine with that for the first IVF as long as it is a good quality embryo.

That's about it for now. I just have to go pick up my prescriptions tonight and I think I will hear tomorrow about what protocol I will be doing!

First Appointment

We had our first appointment today and I think it went great! I go back tomorrow morning for my SHG and I should get a call by Wednesday afternoon on whether I am going to need surgery again or not. I am hoping not obviously, but if I do need it at least it will get done next week and I will still be able to do this cycle.

I am so thankful for our insurance and it almost makes my shit job totally worth it. We have to come up with the freezing money by next Monday but that is pretty much it besides co-pays. Tomorrow the IVF team will come up with my protocol and my box o drugs will be here some time next week. I have to give my supervisor all of my appointments tomorrow, I am sure she won't be thrilled but at least she has everything up front and worst comes to worst I will just start staying a half an hour late every day so I don't get too far behind.

BCP number one is down the hatch and we are on our way. I start lupron next Friday night to make sure that I supress. Yay!

My brain is hurting me a bit today

Thank god it's finally Friday! I have a huge headache and I think when I am done with posting this I am going to turn off the lights and meditate/nap, hopefully a little of both but no promises there.

The water heater has to get done tonight. The basement stunk to all high heaven this morning. We must have leaks underneath of it also so it's a good thing that we have it at the house all ready to go. That will be our night tonight, I am not sure if the bar is going to happen but time will tell. I think the biggest pain is going to be emptying it out.

The IVF coordinator has not yet called me back so I called my nurse coordinator and left her a message asking if there is anything I should be doing since I got my period today. I don't have a clue as to what the answer is so I should find out later today.

I was going to write more but I am beat. My fibromyalgia is starting to act up and I have not been getting a whole lot of sleep because of my hips. Damn cold weather!

10/09/2008

We have a lot of stuff going on this week. I called the IVF coordinator this morning to come up with some sort of time table and we will also find out when we our injection classes will be. Besides through my blog we are no longer going to discuss when we are doing what with people in regards to our IF. I don't mind questions if you actually want to know.

I have decided not to go back to school to become a paralegal. With the economy in the shitter and me having a secure job with a pension there is no reason to stop working for the government. I am going to go back though and get my masters in business administration. I am going to have to take three undergrad courses before I can start the masters program. I figure this is good because it will get me back into the swing of things with school and I should also be able to tell through them whether I will like the program or not.

The only issue I see so far with all of this is that it is going to be difficult to get a recommendation for an old professor. Two of my criminal justice professors died while I was in school so that cancels them out. I went to a huge school so I never had one on one time with any of my teachers, plus I graduated over five years ago. This weekend I am going to come up with a letter to write them and I will include my transcript and my resume and hopefully they can come up with something. I am assuming this may be a regular thing for them since the school was so big. We will see.

The other minor worry is that I won't be able to obtain school loans because of the ecomony but again we will see what happens. Worst comes to worst I can take one class a semester for now and just pay cash.

This weekend we are hopefully putting in the new water heater and then almost everything in the house will be under five years old. I am so excited! House renovations really wear on you after a while but again it was so worth it.

We are going to the bar on Friday night to see Burnt Sienna. Chris and I saw them several times and college and they were always great. We haven't been to the bar in so long so I am really looking forward to it, plus we have a long weekend which is always nice also.

Drumroll please...

Negative Beta! Shocker, right? She said that that pregnancy tests I took were probably faulty and that it was not a chemical pregnancy after all. I have to call the IVF coordinator this morning when I get a chance.

Still waiting

I am still waiting for them to call me back with my beta results. They will most likely be negative and then I will have to place a call to the IVF coordinator but who knows. I suppose stranger things have happened but I am not going to get my hopes up at all. But shit I wish we could just get this over with already:)

BFP, BFN, BFP....

I just need to stop peeing on things. The BFPs are so light and I know that this isn't going to work out. I just can't wait to get the beta over with tomorrow and then I will officially stop peeing on sticks.

Happier Topics

So I am not thrilled about the whole pregnant, not pregnant thing but who would be. I don't understand at all why this happened yet again. I am still waiting on a call back from the doctor to see what they want me to do. I am very happy that we are taking an extended break before trying IVF. IVF is just so final. If it doesn't work, you are screwed.

I had an absolutely fantastic time in Chincoteauge this weekend. We spent part of the time with our friends and part of the time just the two of us. It's a beautiful place and see the wild ponies was so fascinating. That is one more thing that we can cross of on our 1000 things to do before you die list. I have to go through it again soon to find some more local places for us to visit.

Today I am grateful for a lot of things. Let's start with the current economic crisis. I am so happy that Chris and I found our cheapo fixer upper four years ago. It's almost finished and our payments are still cheap becuase we did a fixed loan. We both have secure jobs and the only debt we have left are my school loans and the cars. All major positives. I have an awesome husband and puggers. I can't begin to understand other people's relationships because ours is so unique and fun. He really is the only person I feel 100% comfortable around on a constant basis. I might be the most infertile biotch on my block but I do have a lot of other things going for me. I am refusing to let this crapola screw with me.

#3 was not lucky

Faint BFP yesterday, BFN today. I go in for my beta on Wednesday but it looks like another chemical pregnancy. Some things just really aren't meant to be and since I have that mind frame I am ok or I have completely lost my mind and am in total denial.

10/02/2008

I can't get over the fact that it is October already! Oh my. We are leaving tomorrow for Chincoteague where we will be camping for two days. I am hoping it is a lot of fun. We are going with another family, but I already told them and Chris that we are going to do our own thing part of the time to make sure that we also have a good time. I don't think antiquing with a 2 year old and an infant is going to be the best idea ever:). There have been a few trips where we felt like we always had to go along with what the crowd was doing and it ended up sucking so I am going make sure this weekend is as fun as possible.

I am 8/9dpiui today. Trigger is out. I could fall asleep at my desk. I am going to puke my brains out. The heartburn is off the hook. The RE told me yesterday that I could shove the prometrium as far up my hooha as possible to see if that works. Um, yeah I don't think so. Then I will end up with the bladder issue again from the goo coming out. Since I don't have a progesterone problem to begin with and the fact that I took it for a week I have stopped taking it. If I am indeed pregnant and my progesterone is low I will start taking another form of it, but if it is fine then I am going to let it be. Hopefully I will find out in a day or two if this is all from the progesterone or not.

I have to get back to work since I am off again tomorrow!

Gag-a-rific

That's pretty much how I have been feeling the past 2 days. I am now 8 dpiui and I think I will test on Friday before we go away for the weekend because I think a lot of drinking will be involved during our camping trip. I just called the RE and asked them what they want me to do about the prometrium. I can't get that or the prenatal down for the life of me. I am just going to pick up flinstones on the way home and take a folic acid with it so I should be good on that front but I am not sure what they are going to say about the progesterone front. Time will tell.

That's all I have for the day. I am doing my best not to get my hopes up at all.

We are back!

Some of you asked where we were going in Ohio. Bumblefuck is the only answer I have for that question. I used to think that Delaware was boring but it is like New York City compared to where my parents live. The nearest mall is 45 minutes away, there is one grocery store, a few bars, and a Walmart. I heard the most interesting conversations while I was there. I heard a man in Taco Bell(the only eat out options are fast food) talking to his mistress saying it would all be a different story if his wife was dead. That was probably the best story I heard when I was there.

We did go see an Ohio State game while we were there. That was fun. We went to Hiney Gate and I had a huge margarita before the game. Casey and I bought buckeye earings and a necklace so that we would fit in with all of the crazy fans. The game was not great because the other team sucked but I am glad that they won.

I did read two books over the three days though so it was nice and relaxing, but almost way too relaxing. I can see why my mom doesn't like it at all there. I would be so bored I am not sure if I could take it. So that was the weekend, I am hoping next weekend in Chincoteague is a little more exciting than this weekend was.

I will have to say that work is a dream compared to what it usually is after missing a day. Before I left on Thursday I changed my voice mail to say I would be back on Monday. I generally have 25-40 messages when I come back and I only had 2! That in itself totally made my day.

On the reproductive front, I am a total moody bitch today. The prometrium is kicking my ass big time. I am 6 dpiui, only 6 more to go and then I think I will test.

09/25/2008

We are leaving tomorrow for Ohio! I am so excited to finally see my parents house and the town they live in for part of the year. The weather in Philly may screw up our flight plans, but we will just roll with it and see what happens tomorrow morning.

I am still trying to wrap my head around the sperm nose dive. I know in the end it doesn't really matter because we have plenty to do IVF with. It just blows my mind how much smoking can really affect things.

So I am 2dpiui today and only 12 more days to go before the beta. I am not sure if I will test or not yet.

Part 2

Let's just say it did not go nearly as smoothly as the first IUI. It was painful as all hell. I could not even go back to work because I was in so much pain. Chris has been helping me get around all day. Getting in and out of the car has not been pretty and neither is trying to pee. It feels just like bad endo pain. Not pretty. I did take some extra strength Tylenol and I am feeling a bit better, except now I think I am going to puke my brains out. That should be fun!

We also now have some male factor thrown in. It may have just been a bad two samples or maybe all of the smoking actually has caught up to him. We barely made the cut off for our clinic to do the IUI yesterday and we didn't at all today but they did it for us anyway.

I am going back to bed. Hopefully I will be fine by tomorrow so I can get back to work. Joy!

IUI part 1 is done!

I finally made it back to work around noon today after my IUI. Everything went smoothly, I made it to Newark in under and hour which is always a good thing. The waiting for two hours before the actual procedure was not a blast, but I found a lounge and I just relaxed and read to pass the time.

I was finally called back at 9:30 and was sperminated. I have to go back one more time tomorrow morning and then we just wait for the beta. The next two weeks are not going to be loads of fun taking prometrium twice a day but if it helps me not miscarry again then I will take feeling sick. This has been the longest four days ever getting up so early and then driving up to Newark and then driving an hour south to get to work.

I figure with three follies, good lining, and good sperm my chances can't really be less than 10% this month. It must at least be 30% with the three follicles, right? This is all going way better than I thought it would and I no longer have no hope at all that this could possibly work.

Do you have your collection cups?

hehe...that is what the nurse just asked me over the phone. You just have to giggle at stuff like that, I don't think we could make it through if we didn't. We are ON for our IUI tomorrow and then again on Wednesday. Woot woot. I don't have my hopes up that it will work, but I am excited that we got it done before we go away on Thursday and if it doesn't work then we will have one more obstacle out of the way to get the insurance to pay for IVF.

I am so curious to see what the SA count is tomorrow since Chris has been smoking a lot lately. Maybe a drop will be some sort of incentive to stop smoking. Who knows, but it's worth a shot.

Weekend in review and POM Juice

Friday night~ Our poker party went off without a hitch. I didn't have a blast, but I was moody so I am sure that had more to do with me then what went on at the party.

Saturday~ Monitoring appointment #1. One follie at 16 on my right ovary, but my lining was only 3.8 and the RE was pretty concerned about that. Krystal and I hung out, shopped a bit, and got pedicures. Just the thing I needed! The RE called me back and said that I had to go back on Sunday because my E2 levels were already at 647. I bought a bottle of the POM juice and downed that sucker since I heard that it could help thicken your lining.

Sunday~ Monitoring appointment #2. Two follies at 16 and 18 and my lining was 5.87! The RE was very happy with the jump and said that I would most likely be triggering that night. I was called that afternoon and said we were going to push it one more day and I would have to go back Monday morning.

We were unable to fit the water heater into the car on Sunday so that did not get done to say the least.

Monday~ Monitoring appointment #3. Three follies. 23,18,16 and my lining was at 8.9. I told the nurse that my fibromyalgia is starting to act a fool, which it usually does when I am getting ready to ovulate. She said with how things looked plus that bit of information she thinks we will be triggering tonight with b2b IUIs on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I will just sit here for the rest of the day sucking down POM juice and Green Goodness to get in my wheat grass and wait for the next telephone call.

Welcome to Italian Food

That is the class that I am going to tonight. We are learning how to make four different sauces along with pasta and some sort of fancy salad. It should be entertaining like usual. I took a break from my new found love of wearing heels today and traded them in for some comfy loafers since I will be on my feet for three hours tonight. I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.

I am still doing good on the IF front. My ovaries feel like they may fall out of my body sometime soon which is a good thing. I could care less if there is only one egg this time, as long as we get this IUI done I will be as happy as a pig in you know what.

I do think that the clomid is making me lose my mind a bit though. On Tuesday I dropped of a netfilx movie in my town and then on the way to work stopped by the post office there also looking for an envelope that I mailed out 20 minutes earlier. I also woke up this morning trying to remember if I dreamed that Target called saying I had a perscription to pick up or if that really happened. The last ridiculous thing I did was forgetting to buy toilet paper for this weekend at Acme last night. That was the main reason I went was to buy stuff for our party and then I forgot the damn toilet paper.

I am running to Target before my class to grab toilet paper, solo cups, and to see if I do actually have a perscription waiting. We will see tomorrow which of those things I forget to pick up.

Italian Food...not so much

My class last night pretty much sucked a big one. The instructor was all over the place and he forgot to put all of the instructions for the recipes in our packets and the one chicken recipe was not in there at all. I made two different types of sauces and they were decent, but not worth the two hours it took to make them. Another group made fennel pork which they all seemed to like but since I am not a fennel fan at all I skipped it. A spinach/arugula salad with mango dressing was also made, which in my opinion was also pretty nasty. I threw the packet out when I got home because there was not a single recipe in there I would make again. One bad class here and there is not a big deal though! That will most likely be the last class I take with Chef Ed again unless it has to do with soups and bread.

We have such a long weekend ahead of us. I am still wondering how Chris thinks we are going to get the water heater home on Sunday so we can replace ours. It might fit into our car, but I am not positive that will work. I guess we could strap it to the top of the crappy car and hope it doesn't fly off in transit but I am thinking that is probably not the best idea in the world.

I am so tired! I am starting to think that my forgetfulness is actually due to my fibromyalgia and not the clomid. My stupid knees have been bothering me lately also which is just ridiculous in itself because they usually don't hurt at all. It could be the shoes I suppose.

Four days down...only one more to go

Then I will be officially done with clomid forever! Even if we have one and then want another the RE said we would just go right to IVF the next time around. I am getting ahead of myself here but it is a nice thought.

Besides crying at inappropriate times I am doing quite well keeping my emotions in check this week. The bloat on the other hand is not in check. Chris and I were laughing when I stood up from lunch today because I was so bloated. I was told that my face looked thinner today and Chris said that is just because my boobs are so huge that my body actually looks proportioned now. He is so sweet;)

My whole pelvic area is sore also and it hurt this morning leaning against the counter to grab a glass. I remember the same thing from last time so I am sure it is fine, just annoying.

Saturday can't come quick enough to see how the follies are doing. I am praying that we get this in by next Thursday morning! If not, for the next IUI cycle I am going to ask that we do it non medicated.

I am really starting to wonder lately what we will do if we never get pregnant. The house is almost complete so there is not as much to do on the weekends. I find lately that everything is just very boring. I guess if we never have any then we won't have to save up money and we can take trips together whenever we want, but then we still have Buca and Peanut so I don't think that would work. I am sure when I start classes up next year things will be busy for a year during the week. It just stinks, while everyone else is doing fun things with their kids, Chris and I stare at each other twiddling our thumbs wondering if it will ever be our turn. I mean you can only go for so many walks in one day. What in the hell do childless couples do all of the time, especially if you don't have unlimited funds?

09/16/2008

Today is day 3 of clomid, only two more to go! I have not noticed any side effects besides the fact that my bladder isn't happy with the hormones but what can you do. I also cried during intervention last night and I really didn't even care for the story. As long as I am not a raging loony then we are all good.

If things go as they went last time we did clomid then my trigger shot should be next Wednesday with the IUI on Thursday. That will give us just enough time to get our crap together and leave on Thursday night for Ohio. I did start clomid a day earlier this time so maybe that will make it even earlier. Time will tell. It will be interesting to see on Saturday how many follies I have cooking this time.

I am off to lunch with the hubby and Ashley. Christ I hope I don't start crying my eyes out over something stupid at lunch.

IUI under way!

I am finally back from spending over an hour at the RE's office this morning because they TRIPLE booked the entire morning. Why? I am really not sure but that is the first time I have had to wait there so hopefully it is not a regular occurrence.

I do not have a cyst->good news. The RE thinks that it is just endo pain coming back->not so good news. She said I need to get pregnant ASAP. Duh, thanks lady. After this IUI cycle I am going to call my RE and go over the possible choices of what to do before we start IVF. I think the options are to a) do nothing, b) go back on the pill to slow it down or c) have another lap. I am pretty much up for any of them, but if he thinks that getting c done will up our IVF chances then I am there.

Clomid for me days 5-9 and then I go back next Saturday morning in Newark to see how the follies are coming along. Here is hoping to them being ready by next Thursday or we won't be able to go out to Ohio, or we can and just do TI.

Holy ovary pain

I did get my period today. Another whopping 25 day cycle! The pain is that I have been having pain in my left ovary area for about four days now. It even hurts when I bend over, I feel like something not quite right is going on there. I have not taken fertility drugs since July so I should not have a huge cyst but that is what it is feeling like. I have an appointment either tomorrow or Saturday with the RE for my cd 3 b/w and u/s. My educated guess at this point though is that I will have yet another cycle canceled, but this time because of the cyst. I could be totally wrong but I highly doubt it at this point.

With only a less than 10% chance at getting pregnant I am not too upset this morning. Because really, Chris and I just are not that lucky in this arena. I have absolutely no hope until we start IVF that any of this will work. Oh well.

Tagged!

t.bird and Tarah have both tagged me this week...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.


1. I was a level 10 gymnast and I competed in Nationals. I quit twice...the first was when I hurt my back and the second was when I broke a piece of my neck vaulting.
2. I went to 4 different colleges before I found my fit and some how finished in 4.5 years.
3. I make body scrubs.
4. I never owned a dog before I got Buca. Now I am an animal lover. We would probably have cats except I am allergic.
5. I love playing strategy games on the computer and xbox.
6. I think I may have forgotten to put on deodorant this morning, thankfully I keep spares everywhere.

I am tagging Jackie, Krystal, Jamee, theworms, Jennifer, and Krissy.

What Makes A Mother- poem from a nestie

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

09/08/2008

Let me first start off my saying my yard is gorgeous! I can't tell you how happy I am with the way that it all turned out. Everything is looking good so far, I think Hurricane Hanna really helped out the ginko trees. I am a little worried the Ruby Spices are dying, but then again they may just be wilting from the hot and dry weather we have been having all summer. I also think the crazy tree is good to go and the leaves are just starting to change color, not die like Chris thought last week. The heavy winds did knock over my swing, which in turned fell on a Chinese weeping tree so that's not good but time will tell on whether that lives or not.

We did end up going to Silver Springs this weekend to visit Danielle on Saturday. The trip there was not good at all. We stopped at an accident that we must have missed by 30 seconds where a woman was not wearing her seatbelt, the car flipped and she broke her back. We hopped back into the car after about 15 minutes when the amubluance finally got there. Here is some shit, Chris got out of the car first and I called 911. I was on HOLD for 5 minutes when I finally hung up because I saw a cop car coming to help. 5 minutes on hold, that is so unacceptable! Yet another reason why I love my town.

We didn't do much at their place because it was so incredibly shitty out but that didn't matter. It was a nice and relaxing weekend, plus we finally got to meet her boyfriend after 2 years. He is very nice by the way. On the way home we stopped in Annapolis for an hour or two to walk around. I have never been there before and definitely plan on going back again sometime this fall when we have more time.

Here is another thing that I never knew. We have another outlet mall 40 minutes from our house. Granted, it is in Maryland but I still feel like I should have known about this one. It's called the Queenstown Outlets and the only thing that it does not have that Rehoboth has is an Ann Taylor Outlet. I doubt I will go back there too often, but it is pretty much in the middle of Danielle and I so we are going to meet there every once in a while to go shopping.

I am back at the hell hole that I like to call work for the week. I have to go to the therapist today at 3 and I have been instructed by my husband to talk about the rape today since I have been dreaming about telling people lately about it. I actually screamed at someone in my dream last week but I can't really remember what in the hell the context even was. Weird, I know.

I have the absolute cramps from hell today so I am hoping my period is right around the corner so we can do our IUI this cycle.

More about the girls down the street

The girls came back over on Tuesday to see Buca and Peanut. I brought out one treat for each of the puggers and the girls asked if they were pretzels. The one girl told me her mom has no money for snacks because she spends it all on clothes and booze so she can go out to the bar. The other girls is in 7th grade and her reading level is one of a 4th grader. She was reading a book on my steps that was a 6th grade reading level and she seemed to be doing well with it. I am starting to think the reason they come over is they think that I am going to give them snacks. They haven't been back since I told them I didn't have anything for them to eat. Odd.

We are leaving tomorrow to go visit Danielle in MD. I am hoping the weather isn't too bad on the way there, we all know that I am not a huge fan of bridges to begin wtih so I can't imagine going over that one with heavy rain and wind.

At this point I am just waiting for my period to start so we can start the IUI cycle. Although if I don't get it soon then we are going to have to push it back another month since we are going away twice this month. I am thinking it is not going to work but we will see.

Buca and Peanut made friends

With the neighborhood girls. On Saturday three girls stopped in front of our house and asked to see Buca and Peanut. They always see us walking them but when Buca and Peanut are in walk mode they are in walk mode. They let the girls give them goodies and Peanut did very well. They came back again Monday and I brought them out front. Peanut laid in one of their laps and Buca was just doing his loving thing with everyone. This makes me so happy! They are finally starting to get used to having kids around, it's so fantastic. Peanut is still a little wary at first but by the second day he was all over it. He also seems more at ease if they know his name for some reason.

The thing that worries me is I am starting to wonder what parents are teaching their kids nowadays. We don't really know anyone else on our street besides one family and we only know the man's name and that is about it. These girls actually asked if they could go into our house. We of course said no way, but there is no way in hell when I was a kid I would have stopped at some strange persons house and asked to go inside. Jesus Christ. The second time the kids came over I cut up an apple for them to give the boys and they ate the slices I gave them instead. I do know that a few of them are my old client's kids but I don't think she knows who I am and that I only live a few houses away.

Everytime they leave the first thing I say to Chris is that we are teaching our kids to stay away from strangers. Since when did kids stop learning this?

I realize that I am not a parent and should not even have an opinion on this subject, but I do and if you don't like then suck it. :)

08/29/2008

Our system at work is down yet again. I have been trying for the last hour and fifteen minutes to get it back up and running but it's just not working. We had ten, yes ten, migrant workers in today applying for benefits. There are only two of us on intake so that was five a piece. They take at least an hour a piece to run. We brought them all into a room and had them fill out large applications which I hate because then I still have to go back and run them later. The apps are now with the supervisor who might divvy them out to all the workers instead of just the two of us. So whether I get three or five, plus all of the intakes from the day I was out this week I figure I am pretty much fucked for next week so there is no point in killing myself for the last hour.

I made it through the entire day with heels on yesterday. The only thing that really hurt at all was my right hip. I am sure that my arthritic bones will not appreciate heels in the winter but as of right now it's all good.

My parents are still trying to figure out winter vacation. In the long run, who really gives a flying fuck. We will all be together, drinking, laying out. What's the hold up here people?

The hot topic in our house is what to do after we get pregnant with IVF. Do we go back on birth control or is a total waste with our less then 10% chance of a successful pregnancy. I really think Chris will be hoping for a 2nd oops baby sometime after the IVF. One thing at a time honey. I go back and forth from being ok to pretty much having no chance on our own to wanting to burst out in tears because of it. I sent all of my ovulation prediction kits to a fellow nestie because I figure they are useless to me at this point. It's pretty funny considering my fibromyalgia has been great lately but then my ovaries and uterus totally shit the bed on me. You truly can't have everything you want but I will surely take the little to no pain while I can get it.

Shot Down

Big time by the RE and insurance company about skipping the IUI and going straight to IVF. No biggie, I just thought I would give it a whirl since the RE doesn't think the IUI will work. At least we only have to do one so it should be over with by October so we can start all of the IVF paperwork.

I will have to say sex last night was fantastic. This is the first time in two years at least that I haven't correlated sex to not getting pregnant to my body is broken. Now that we know that it is a fact, I am not worried about it. If you can't tell by now, I have a wonderful therapist!

For now I am trying to lose some weight before the IUI. I haven't really gained any weight since the m/c and clomid cycle, but you sure as shit couldn't tell that by looking at the way my clothes fit. I bought four new pairs of pants today in yet another bigger size. I figure even if I manage to lose some weight in the next month I am just going to bloat out again so better to be comfy then not.

Onto wheat grass for a minute...wheat grass is supposed to do all sorts of fantastic things such as detox your body, restore your fertility. Oh we can just stop there. Luckily my favorite juice has it in there but I am thinking in the month or two before the IVF I will grab the powder to get the recommended amount daily. I have heard it's gross, but I love my juice so I am sure I can just throw the powder in there and hopefully I will never know.

Less than 10 %

So when you think of less than 10% I can see hoping for the following
~less than 10% chance you will end up with cancer
~you got less than 10% wrong on a test
~you weigh 10% less than you used to


What isn't so pleasant is when the RE tells you that you have a less than 10% chance at getting and staying pregnant on your own. Where do these numbers come from you ask? My ass most likely. You figure though out of the 30 months I have been off the pill I have gotten pregnant once and lost one. Add that in with my age and the fact that my infertility is unexplained and you get less than 10%.

As far as my insurance goes the booklet states you must do one IUI before you move to IVF. Dr. K stated yesterday that he is in agreement with the British journal about "mystery infertility" and said we would not do anymore clomid rounds or IUI if we didn't have to because he doesn't see it working. I called the insurance company today and now I have a form for Dr. K to fill out. The insurance company might approve me for IVF right off the bat, or they may tell me to do an IUI cycle. Time will tell but I don't see the point in doing a cycle that most likely won't work just to make the insurance company happy.

So we will do one IUI if needed before vacation and then will start with the IVF process when we get home. YIKES!!

08/19/2008

There has not been anything to report lately. My cycle was only 25 days long(shortest on record, gotta love my body) and I am seeing the RE next Monday for our next step meeting. I still have to remember to print out that article. I seriously need to start up a to-do list again.

My back issues finally cleared up once my period showed up, thank god for that. I also got incredibly sick of my face breaking out after the m/c and clomid cycle so I went out and bought one of those crazy acne kits from Clean and Clear. Let me tell you, that stuff works like a charm for under $20.00. My face is as clear as it has been in quite a long time and of course that is always a good confidence booster. I also bought a stationary bike this week and after we put it together tonight I am going to be rocking that once a day to try and lose some of this IF weight. I think I would be happy with losing five pounds, more would be nice but five is a good start. Plus, who are we kidding it is going to go right back up during the next medicated cycle so if I can at least keep it where it is with extra exercise I think I will be all good.

The vacation plans are not coming along as smoothly as I would have hoped. The ultimate plan was to take the family vacation in December and then start the big IF treatments when we got home. Well, my mom did not like the weather enough on our cruise from two years ago and wants to go somewhere warmer. The plane tickets alone to St. Thomas are a grand a piece during the week between Christmas and New Years so I just don't think that is feasible for us considering we would still have to find a place to stay for a week plus our other expenses. Then the fam is thinking about waiting until May which is so not ok with me either. She said it wasn't that far away and it's not a big deal. That is nine months away. Nine more months that we can't do any IF treatment. I am sorry but that is just too long for me. We will already be well into three years of me being off the pill.

So, we have to wait until the fam makes up their mind on what they are doing and then we can decide what we are going to do. If we don't go away with them we are going to hit up an all-inclusive at the beginning of December somewhere in Mexico which I think would be tons of fun and I want them to make up their minds soon so we can book it!

08/12/2008

I called my RE's office yesterday to give them the lowdown on what is happening with the good old bladder and to talk to them about the recent unexplained infertility article. The nurse said that she never heard of the article but is sure that someone in the office has. I have to remember to print it out before I go next month. She said she wanted me to come in sooner since I told her I did not want to do clomid anymore but again with the IC flaring one month isn't going to make much of a difference at all. I guess we will be talking about the one IUI cycle that my insurance pays for and then going to IVF at the start of next year. Wow!

There is a meteor shower tonight that I am really looking forward to watching. Chris and I are going to lay out on the swing under a blanket so the bugs don't get us and just watch it. Although gymnastics is on tonight so that might interfere with the meteor watching. I will just have to play it all by ear.

We are hitting up La Tolteca today instead of tomorrow since I am on intake tomorrow and it has been fucking nuts at work. My team had ten intakes yesterday. I had four of them. I didn't get a single damn thing done besides those intakes yesterday. Today I am off to try and catch up. My supervisor recently changed the way we split up intake within our whole pool and this way just doesn't work at all.

Gymnastics Age Controversy

Gymnastics Controversy- Old enough to compete?

Fantastic Weekend!

Chris and I had such a nice weekend! Friday night we bought new phones. I got the LG Envy and Chris decided to go with the chocolate. When we got home he decided he really didn't like his phone and we exchanged it on Sunday for the same one as mine, just in a different color. Anywho, when we got home on Friday night we rented the Civilization Revolution game for the Xbox and I played it until one in the morning. It was pretty sad.

Then on Saturday we got up, took the kids for a walk, and then went out to Rock Hall, MD for Pirates and Wenches Weekend. It was very entertaining. Chris and I tried the grog and sangria in the Pirate Encampment. Then we walked around town with Krystal, Kayla, and her brothers to see all of the different things the town had set up for the weekend. My shoulders got fried because I didn't realize how much walking we would be doing but what can you do. We did get to meet and take a picture with Louie from the CBS pirate show. That was a highlight of the day for sure. Then we drove home so we could go to a party later that night.

We got up super early yesterday morning for whatever reason and took a nice, long walk. Poor Chris was hung over as all hell so it was a very slow walk. Then we went to Ihop for breakfast, exchanged the phones, I bought new bras, and then we went to Pleasanton for crabs on our way home. They were so delicious! For dinner we cracked open a bottle of Ice Wine and had that with our crabs. Considering it was a 75.00 bottle of wine, it was a pretty expensive dinner we had going on for us. Then I watched gymnastics and went to bed. I am hoping Tuesday's meet goes better because that wasn't too pretty at all.