Six Years

My husband and I have been together for six years. Can you believe that? I know some people that got married, divorced, and remarried in the amount of time that we have been together. It does seem like just yesterday when we met in college. We have had our rough patches throughout the years like everyone. We went to counseling in college because I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry someone who didn't want kids, we figured that out are now are infertile. That's a kicker. I thought for sure we were going to kill each other when we began renovating the house but even that seems like it was years ago. I became obsessed with not getting pregnant last year and that took a definite tool on things but he got me back into individual conseling at that has sorted itself out for now. You know what it is, my husband and I make each other laugh. We get a kick out of how each other's minds work and believe me not everyone would find us funny. Maybe it's that we were friends first, or it was our long ass engagement but whatever it was it just works.

Question of the Day

The question of the day from C yesterday was why do some things work out and some don't. Then if it isn't working out when do you say enough is enough. I simply don't have an answer in the relationship arena. I can answer it in the baby making arena. Enough was enough for me after two years because it was consuming my life and I was depressed. He seems to think that enough is never enough, and I think he is delusional because of what he saw as a child. His dad was a dick but his mom still was happy when he actually was around. Does that mean she was happy all of the time and it was worth it to stay with him? I don't think so, but his mom is totally out of it so that probably isn't a good example. I think some times you just need to cut your loses and move on so of course now he thinks I am going to divorce him for no good reason but he is just being paraniod.

I have not had a UTI in over two months(knock on wood) and I am doing pretty well on the pill. I am starting to get a few hormonal jawline breakouts like I used to but what can you do. I had fantastic sex twice last week. No pain at all. I am not sure if it is the absence of an infection or that my bladder is just getting better because I am not flaring constantly or maybe it has something to do with the pill. Who knows and really who cares. I felt like I was back in college last night, it was great.

Then we made some Jiffy Pop and watched an awful movie. Fun times. I also made a kicking drink last night made of mad melon shnapps, pineapple juice and vodka. I am still thinking of a name for my new drink.

Buffalo/Niagara/Niagara on the Lake

Well we are back from trip numero uno. Besides the christening of my god child I pretty much wanted to hide under my bed the entire time we were in Buffalo. My uncle is the most racist, gay bashing asshole in the universe. I can't stand to even be around him. It is awful. My mom kept giving me the death stares becuase I kept arguing with him over his stupid views.

Niagara on the Lake was beautiful. I am so glad we decided to just get into the car and drive around on Monday. We walked around the town for a few hours and then went to the wineries. I think we ended up going to six wineries and we tried Ice Wine for the first time. Dessert wine is not my cup of tea but C loved it and we ended up coming home with two bottles of 60 dollar ice wine plus all of the wines that I picked out while we were there. I kept telling C that we didn't have to buy wine every where that we stopped but we all know how generous he is with his money.

I will have to say I was shocked at how rude people were at our hotel in Niagara Falls, CA. It was fun to go with C as he has never been there before but I don't think we will go back until after we have kids and want to show them.

That was our trip. I went back on the pill two days ago. I feel bad because they gave C at work a "fertile ring of hope" that his co-worker buried in Africa for him but after the Niagara Falls of a period I had on vacation I just need a few months off. That was the only serious bummer of the trip, I bled through everything one night and ended up wearing a pad and a tampon to the baptism because I was afraid I was going to bleed through and my pants were houndstooth black, grey, and white.

Yipee!

My uro appointment went great on Friday afternoon. I had two consecutive clear urnie cultures so that's a definite positive. I don't think that has happened in over a year so I am doing the happy dance about that. I am not going to do the herapin cocktail as it just too expensive plus the whole cath/uti issue.

My husband is being a total pain in the ass. He has been in a mood for weeks now. Snippy constantly then tells me I have an attitude problem. I know there has been a major slow down at his work and he is worried about that. He has let himself go and he rarely goes to the gym anymore. Everything is a huge deal for him. Fixing the house, his business, yada yada yada...it's always my life is so awful. It sucks to be me. So last night I finally had enough and we had a nice little screaming match which is totally ridiculous but he would not talk like a civilized person. I told him he needs to prioritize and then pair down what he is doing. Now he wants to have a heart to heart tonight. I realize he is pretty down, maybe even depressed, it wouldn't be the first time I have seen him depressed and he needs to get some help. He told me last night I should just deal with his moods, but I don't think so. When I was depressed over the IF stuff he got me right into counseling and it has helped so much, so no me dealing with him is not going to happen. That's about it for now.

Uro appointment in four hours

Ohh...this should be fun. I told them earlier this week I was not coming in so they could cath me to get urine right from my bladder. Everytime I get a cath I end up with a UTI so if I don't have one right now why in the hell would I want a cath? I am going to give them a new sample today and if it is still coming back inconclusive then I will think about the cath issue.

They are also going to talk to me about the lidocaine/herapin cocktail that he wants me to get to see if it will help with my IC. Again, it is put in through a catheter so I am very unsure about what to do.

The good news is that I had wonderful, painless sex last night.

Cookies and Ice Cream

They never did add another Hearty Soups class so I signed up for the Cookies and Ice Cream class. We all know I totally suck ass at making cookies most of the time so hopefully this class will help.

More kudos and some IF cleansing

I opened up our bi-weekly report and I received more kudos for having an error free case in September. So there you go, it doesn't mean much but it always good to have them in your file for when you go to a lateral interview.

I decided this morning after doing some meditating that I am going to give away my extra opks, most of my pregnancy tests, and some of my books. C seemed upset yesterday when I told him that I thought I wanted to give the pill a whirl again for a while. He really thought that next month I would say I wanted to start trying again and I feel bad. I am sick to death though of having UTIs, then yeast infections, the hormonal fibro/arthritis flares, and then at the end not getting pregnant. It's been two years and as I said before I am not ready to put my body through even more with the fertility drugs. I hate the pill but at the end of the day I will take some nausea over the bladder pain for the two weeks after I ovulate. Nothing is permanent, I can go on the pill and if it doesn't help I can come off of it. I think that people thought I was kidding when I said that we aren't going to just get pregnant. I can't just be off the pill in lala land hoping it will happen one day.

We did talk about adoption yesterday at lunch and we both seem to be on board, but of course we are years away from saving up enough money to have a decent emergency fund and then have 26 grand left over to adopt. The ultimate plan was to have one, then adopt one. Having our own just doesn't feel right to me anymore. I feel like I am pushing something that isn't supposed to happen. There is an adoption seminar in March that I think I am going to see if C wants to go to with me just so we can start to get our feet wet and at least see if we want to do international vs domestic. I was looking at one of the sites yesterday and clicked on the Vietnam adoption page. They had a photo journey of the orphanages, the buddha statues, and other cultural sites. When I saw the buddha though I thought hmmm...that is interesting. Of course they are not taking applications anymore right now for Vietnam or Guat. because of laws that are being passed. The wait list now for China is 2 to 4 years and they said that happens every time they hold the Olympics. So that does give us plenty of time to save up money.

In the meantime we are going to Niagara/Buffalo for four days at the end of this month and we are hitting Vegas at the beginning of June. I am super excited about that. I also have to call the local community college today to see if I can still sign up for the baking class. Fun stuff. I am also exploring the idea of trying to learn Spanish again. I took four semesters of it in college and got good grades but truly can't speak a lick of it and I also can't understand a damn thing anyone is saying which is funny because I picked up German with no problem and can still understand what they are saying and I took those classes over ten years ago.