One more day at 26

Ah mercy! I am not one to stress about birthdays and I am not about this one. I am just excited to eat some more chocolate cake with whipped vanilla frosting. Yummy! I will have to admit that I do already have all of my presents and they totally rocked. Chris took me to Lowes last night to get my present, he wanted to wait and for it to be a surprise but it was too big for him to put in the car and put together himself. He bought me a swing for the backyard! I love it. It's a three seater, it can be put back to form a bed, and it has a cover over the top so the sun won't get you! I am so excited. I almost fell asleep on it last night, but then it started to thunder and I had to run inside before the downpour came.

Today is my down day at work so I don't have to answer the phone. Lucky me!

07/30/2008- I am done

For now at least. My bladder is totally shot again. I need to call the urologist to get back on the Elmiron to re-fix my bladder lining. So that's that in a nutshell. Fertility drugs obviously do not go well with my body.

Cancel!!!

I called the RE's office and canceled this cycle all together. The nurse was totally understanding and she said if I couldn't "seize the moment" because of my bladder issues then it is just best to take the cycle off and recoup. I might still go in on Thursday for an exam but since I already know what the issue is I don't really see the point in doing that. I, of course am upset but like usual nothing in this arena goes right. I wish I could wiggle my nose and come up with the 26k to adopt but that's totally unlikely to happen in this lifetime so we will plug on, just not right now.

The news for 07/29/2008

I do not have a UTI, my IC is just flaring from the fertility meds. That is good news and bad news. The good news is that I don't have an infection, the bad news is that there is nothing I can do about my IC flaring except to stay away from anything acidic for a while. I am still up in the air about what to do this cycle, I guess I will see on Thursday when they think I am going to trigger and then go from there.

My mission for today is to look up cruises or other possible vacations for December. We of course will not go away if I manage to get pregnant but at this point it is not looking very positive for us. There is nothing like a good vacation, besides laying in a pool of course to keep me going through the next five months.

It was absolutely gorgeous out this morning on the way to work. It was drizzling a bit, I tried to find a rainbow but I couldn't. The fact that I was driving may have had something to do with it. Sometimes I forget how cute my town really is.

My poor peanut man

Is all sorts of fucked up right now. He has two ear infections and a messed up toe. The ear infections are nothing new, the poor pug is allergic to everything except for meat, rice, and potatoes. Luckily, I already have stashes of his ear drops and ear antibiotics on hand. His poor back paw is a whole other ball game. Buca and him were fighting Saturday night. I am not sure if they were actually fighting or if they were just midget wrestling since I was not in the room. His poor toe is all screwy. It is hanging off to the side and you can see where his toenail started to come out. I am thinking it got caught in the carpet. There was blood everywhere, Buca even had some on his face somehow.

My poor Peanut is totally pathetic right now. We can't take him on walks and he already looks like he has gained some weight. He can't even get up and down off of the couch. He is letting me spray him with cooling anti-bacterial stuff so hopefully it won't get infected.

I am going to bite the bullet after work and take my sweet ass to the walk in medical center down the street from my house so I can find out what my body is up to. I don't think I can wait until Thursday, plus if it is a UTI then I am going to cancel Thursday's appointment anyway. Eight months without a UTI, I was bound to get one sooner or later.

My.bladder.hurts

I knew it was bound to happen. Damned endometrin fucking things up. I have an appointment on Thursday for b/w and u/s and while I am there I am going to have them check for a UTI. It could also just be my IC flaring. I really just can't tell at this point. If I do have a UTI, we are just going to cancel this cycle altogether. It has been a clusterfuck since day 1. At least it should be pretty short!

In a funk

I am seriously in a funk today. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I am of course annoyed with my ovaries for having a 8 by 10 follie at day 2. I am also annoyed that I still have to go to all of the monitoring appointments for a natural cycle when I have a slim chance in hell that it will even work. So yeah, I guess I do know what is wrong with me and it all just is annoying.

My birthday party is turning into a clusterfuck and I am sure people are going to end up pissed about it. On good notes, we are going to my parents this Saturday to celebrate my birthday. Then we are going into Philly for dinner and afterwards Chris and I are going to run to Ikea so I can get myself a desk and some storage pieces so that should be fun. There is not much that a day laying in the pool can't fix.

Clomid Cycle #2- cancelled

It appears as though my body has already recruited a follie for this month and it's pointless to start the clomid now. We found this all out when my blood work came back. The PA thought she saw a small cyst on my right ovary, but it turns out it was actually a follicle. I go back in ten days to see if it is ready to trigger and I am guessing it will be about time. I guess the good thing is that I most likely won't have a long cycle this time around and hopefully we can restart the clomid next cycle. We are still doing the shot and the progesterone though to try and ward off an early miscarriage if I did manage to get pregnant.

FUCKERS!!!

Back from the RE

With interesting news. I actually ovulated 2 or 3 eggs last month. The nurse gave me the wrong information when I was called to trigger. One was larger than the others, but my E2 indicated that the 19 ones had mature eggs also. So really, how do I ovulate that many eggs and still not end up pregnant? I guess that is what it means to be infertile. Anyways, I am glad that I had a better response then I thought I had and I have no leftover cysts so all systems are a go!

Have you seen my period?

I am still waiting to get my period so we can start our next cycle! If I don't get it by Thursday I know that I have to call so they can put me on something to jump start it, but I am hoping writing this blog will do the trick and I will get my period at any minute.

Chris and I talked last night and we are going to finish our three or four rounds of clomid for the year and then take a break so we can go on the family vacation in December/January. We might squeeze the one IUI round in there also so that if next year brings IVF then so be it. The RE doesn't see the point in trying multiple IUI's since we don't have a problem in that arena and because for whatever reason we barely have an IUI coverage but a ton of IVF coverage. Last night Chris called me downstairs to look at a baby name site with him and I thought that was super cute. We have been thinking of boy's names for years and still can not come up with anything. Last night he said that he liked Gabe, and I am not totally opposed to that.

We finally have our label! I have gone through at least five different designs but I think we have now have our winner. I have to run to Staples yet again tonight to grab 1 by 4 clear labels since the 1.33 by 4 labels are a bit too big. Who knew the toughest part of this would be the frigging labels.

Better

I am feeling mildly better. The nurse finally called back and said they are keeping me on the same clomid dosage and that I can go to an oral progesterone instead of the endometrin. It will most likely still make me sick, but I will not have the bladder issues with it. I guess we will see if I create more than one follie this time and if I do not I am going to push for a higher dosage for my last round of clomid. I see where they are coming from, but will be pissed if I only trigger with one again. It seems like such a waste. Now I am just waiting for my period.

It's funny how it takes you to feel like total shit to realize who is there for you and who isn't. When your away message says ready for a breakdown and some friends ask how you are doing and how they can help, and others just talk about themselves. Am I total nut job today and not thinking straight? Yes, but I don't think that matters.

Will I ever get what I need?

And what even is that? I have all but given up in the baby making arena. I still have yet to get any sort of clear answer on if I have to take the progesterone or not. My bladder and hooha are still killing me. I have wicked pms and I am ready to have a breakdown at any moment. Things with Chris and I are still off and I am beginning to think I am really just not a good enough person to have kids. Or my bad karma is fucking me, or whatever.

I am just so sick of all of this. Feeling like crap, fighting with Chris, hating my body. That's about all I have for today.

New Printer

I ran out this morning and bought myself a new printer. It's pretty bitchin I will have to say and it was fifty bucks cheaper at Sam's Club then it was at Best Buy plus I can print the pictures off of both off my memory cards. I thought the sony one was just going to be a lost cause since the camera is broken but I guess not. I already printed off the adorable picture of Peanie and I.

I got my business license this morning and federal EIN number! That's exciting. At my dad's advice I made the company an LLC just in case anyone is allergic to something that is in the scrubs and has some sort of reaction. Success in that arena.

The labels are not going as well. I printed them out on the weatherproof labels and it is smearing everywhere. We let them sit for over two hours and they are still smudging. I went on google and I am going to try buying the regular labels and spraying them with Krylon to make them waterproof and we will see how that goes tomorrow. From what I read, it stated that they hold up better than the other waterproof labels do.

Tonight I am going to scan in the pictures of Buca when he was a little pugger. You are going to laugh your ass off and wonder why I picked such an ugly dog.

Negative Beta

I went for my beta yesterday and it was negative. Which is fine. What is not ok with me and the staff at this point is what we are going to do next with the progesterone. As far as I have always been told mine is fine, I don't understand why I have to use it for a clomid cycle. IVF, yes I get it. Clomid, no I don't. I was trying to explain how much this stuff bothers my bladder and urethra when it slides out and the nurse offers me Crinone instead. Which is still a gel, and not a tablet. Oh, so that's not going to slide out my hooha in the middle of the night? I know there are other options. ARG!!!

11 dpo

My beta is tomorrow morning! I have been testing constantly which is so stupid because I am still so early. Fingers crossed it will be positive tomorrow. It won't be a high number since I am so early still but anything would be good. If all of this crap I have been feeling in the past week is due to the endometrin, we will be seriously rethinking it for next time around. The plus side is that I probably have lost a few pounds because I have been averaging one meal a day for the past week or so. And instead of ice cream, I bought Minutemaid Lemonade Soft Serve Pops at Sams Club and they are delicious and about 500 calories and 18 g of fat less then my usual ice cream.

Tomorrow morning Chris and I are driving to the RE at 8:30 and we should find out by 3. From my experience they call back preggers before they call back non-preggers. Although whenever I get my blood taken at the Dover office and taken up the Newark office they seem to always forget to call so I probably shouldn't look to much into it if I dont' get a call early in the day. Most likely I will have to call and remind them! After my blood draw we are off to the beach for the day for some relaxation. Then we are going to see the Dark Knight when we get back into town. It should be a nice day even if we find out that our first medicated cycle did not work. The only thing I am praying for right now is that I don't end up with a UTI from the endometrin. Then I will get a yeast infection from the antibiotics which could cause months of discomfort since my body sort of sucks where that is concerned. Peace.

I almost forgot

to share the story of my fall on the fourth of July. Now please keep in mind that this has happened before. I can vividly remember in gymnastics running down the runway and basically run myself into the ground. I am not sure why I do it. My dad said I also did it several times in field hockey. It's like I am running and then out of nowhere my legs give out and I am on the ground.

My mom decided it would be a good idea if all 25 of us go play softball on the fourth. It was actually a ton of fun. When it was my turn up, I actually hit the ball pretty good. As I was running to first, WAM I started falling forward with gymnastics being drilled into my head I tucked into a somersault. All anyone could hear was a loud thump when my head hit the ground. Luckily I have a hard head and only cut it a bit. I also had cuts on my shoulder and feet. I was handed a cold beer to put on my head but I decided to drink it instead.

Something has to change

About what is going on with me right about now. I was up half the night last night peeing, with heartburn, and feeling like I am going to be sick at any moment. I can't get down my prenatal. My bladder and urethra feel like they are on fire which is my only real worry. I did take a test this morning and it was negative. Of course I am only 10 dpo so it probably would be either way so I had Chris hide the rest of my tests since my beta is on Friday anyway. I called the RE's office again this morning and left a message stating what is going on. I am not sure if they will have a solution for me or if I am just going to have to wait until Friday to see what the outcome is.

9 dpo

Still sick as a dog. Dry heaving all morning long, while getting dressed, driving to work, ect. I spoke with the RE's nurse yesterday and she stated it is probably all from the endometrin and that they could switch me but whatever I get will most likely make me just as sick. My only issue right now is that it is bothering my bladder. I don't think I have an infection, but my IC is definitely flaring. One other thing is flaring...my fibro. Damn I have not had issues in months but as of two days ago everything is starting to hurt again. My wrists, elbows(this is a new one), knees, it sucks ass.

I am really thinking that if I am not pregnant that I am going to have to have them do something with the progesterone supplements. I can't be this sick every two weeks out of every month until I get pregnant, plus I don't have a progesterone issue anyway. But if we did get pregnant and miscarry again then I would always wonder if it was because I wasn't using the endometrin.
Chris and I are going to take the day off to go the beach and relax on Friday. Things with us have been so hectic but they are finally calming down. I made him an appointment to get his wrist checked out finally so hopefully they can help him out so he can start working out again.

The final thing I have for today is that I got my beta appointment and it is on Friday which puts me 14 days past trigger and 12 dpo. I still have not yet decided if I am going to test that morning or not. I did get my last positive at 12 dpo.

8 dpo

I actually had to call the RE today. I could barely keep anything down this weekend and I have to assume it's from the endometrin. I work up Saturday morning feeling just awful and it has not let up. The good news is that I did test out my trigger and I am getting negatives so that is a good thing. I have no idea what day my beta is so I also left that on the machine at the RE's office.

In other news, my husband is totally depressed and I don't know what to do about it.

5 dpo

I am 5dpo today! Nothing interesting to report. The endometrin is still making me stick to my stomach, but the bloat from the ovidrel shot is finally starting to go away. I figure on Monday I will take a test to see if the trigger is out of my system yet. That's a pretty safe day I think, it will be 10 days post trigger, but I will only be 8dpo so a total negative would be a good thing. If I don't test out the trigger and then get a positive next week I will not know if it's real or not so this is my plan of action for the next three days.

Have I become too desensitized?

To the whole baby/pregnancy thing? Pregnant women don't bother me, babies don't bother me, but they do bother most infertile people from what I have seen. I mean they don't bother me to a level that I am worried that my prozac does is too high. Or is it just that I work with them day in and day out? Maybe it's that since I am now being proactive towards the whole process with the meds that I feel like there is nothing more I can do about it. I don't know, but I have been really worrying about myself lately in this area. Last night I got my hair cut and my hair dresser is pregnant, I didn't even think twice about it other than I thought that maybe it should bother me. I mean it hasn't even been two months since we lost baby B.

Cramps, nausea, and irritation oh my!

This endometrin is getting to me. I have to take it twice a day and it's a lovely suppository, although it is not at all messy so I can't complain there. I thought my nausea was from the hcg shot, but now I am thinking it is from the endometrin. I can't believe I have to wait 12 more days to find out if this worked or if we have to try it again. The other kicker is that I will have all of these "not real" symptoms this month because of the progesterone.

Not that I am going away any time soon

But I would really like to find a pet sitting service in Delaware. I love the dog lady in New Jersey and she is great for when we are going away for long periods of time or we just need the boys to be watched while we are at my parents house in NJ. There are tons of services in New Castle, but not a single one in Kent County. I did pick up some woman's flyer a year ago and I still have it on the fridge. I might have to call her and do a trial run with the boys sometime soon. I would love to pay someone to come in a few times a day but I think the pugs actually need a person to be around them all day. I don't think they would do well for three days with no human interaction besides someone letting them out.

My new camera

This is it. The Canon Powershot SD1100. Fun stuff. Originally I was going to try and buy the same camera I had before so I could use the same battery and SD card, but they no longer make it that model. It has been re-modeled and it's also now $100 less then what I bought it for last year. Damn technology. Anyway, I love it and recommend it.

Still working on the labels...

I decided that the labels need to be a little more buyer friendly then what I was originally going with. They are a little distorted on here because I had to make them bigger so you could read them but you get the jist of it. Plus, I can do these on my own where the previous ones were done by my husband at his work. It's a work in progress, I will have to see what Chris thinks and what else he can do with them later this week.

I am headed in a new direction with the scrubs. They are all going to be brown sugar and dead seas salt scrubs in yummy food scents. At least for now. Those were the biggest hits this weekend and Chris said last night that I was nibbling on his shoulder since he used the cinnamon bun scrub before bed. YUMMY!

07/07/2008

I can't believe we are already a week into July, how freaking crazy is that! Things have finally calmed down between Chris and I from our blowout over my bad planning with the RE on Friday and then the shot and sex. Ah mercy. All we do now on that front is just wait two weeks and then I go in for b/w to find out if I am pregnant or not. I am still debating on testing out my trigger or not. I guess I will decide when it gets closer and if I want to torture myself or not by seeing two lines with the trigger and then no lines once it is out.

I am in love with my new camera. It is so much better than the sony was. I am still sad that we had to buy a new one since my old one was not even a year old but what are you going to do. I cant' be without a camera.

And then there was one...

We triggered with one follie on Friday. One just took off and left the others in the dust. The RE said if I was not already surging on my own they were going to try and wait one more day so the other two could catch up but that didn't happen. I just can't believe that earlier in the week they thought I would have to cancel because I had too many and then I only ended up with one. Bummer dude. Oh well, it only takes one..yada yada yada. So I pretty much have the same chance as I do every other month which isn't very high. It's sort of amusing that I have a better chance of miscarrying than I do of even getting pregnant in the first place. We are going to give the clomid two more months after this one and then we will go from there.

I am so bloated and constipated after the ovidrel shot. Wow. It is worse then when I was pregnant a few months ago!

Monitoring Visit #2

I had to go back this morning for another monitoring visit! This time I had two good sized follies on the right. I think the measured around 13 and one 12 on the left. The only problem is that I still have some medium sized ones on the left where all the smaller ones on the right are no longer growing. I am supposed to get a call back this afternoon after my blood work comes in and they will tell me when I need to come back again, and hopefully by the next u/s we will find out if I am going to be canceled or not. I really don't mind either way because as I said before over responding is fine with me and they said they can work with it for next time.

We did take the damn pool back yesterday! We got all of our money back which was nice. Then Chris and I went on a date to see Wall-E. Let me just tell you that was the most adorable animated film I have ever seen. I even cried in it. It was so worth the money to go see.

No wonder my ovaries hurt...

I just got back from my first monitoring appointment. My lining looks good, but a little thin. Here is the fun news...I have eight measurable follies. What the frig, I am only on 50 mg of Clomid! I have three in the 10.5-12 range. Four more in the 8-9 range and then a few smaller ones. All we can do now is wait until my blood work comes back this afternoon to see where my E2 is at. Then on Thursday I will go back to see what is still cooking and what has stopped. I am hoping just those three leaders keep going but who knows what my crazy body will do. She said there is a better chance of going forward then canceling so we will see. I am fine either way, it sucks but I am glad I am responding well.

Here is the weird thing though. I asked her what we will do next time and she said either 25 mg of Clomid for 5 days or just a natural cycle. Well, we have already done 20 something natural cycles so I have no idea why we would go back to that again. If this cycle is a bust I think we are going to have to regroup with the RE to figure out what to try next.