Decision has been made

Not to be a drama queen, but IF is ruining my life. It has taken the joy out of everything, how am I supposed to enjoy myself recovering from failed cycles and miscarriages? You can't, that is the answer.

I have been thinking and blogging more and more lately about stopping the madness. I tossed it at Chris a few times in the past few days and he said he is ok with whatever I decide. My decision is to give up, no my decision is to move on and start a new chapter. I don't think there is a single thing the doctor can say to make me want to do this again. I don't have it in me anymore. I hated being pregnant because I could not enjoy a second of it and I don't think that would ever go away. The aftermath of the miscarriage is even worse. My fibro is flaring and I have zero energy. It.is.awful. I hope our final appointment gives us some closure on why all of this happened and if there is any chance of it ever working I will stay off bcp and maybe it will. Or maybe it won't. I can't tell the future, all I know is that the past three and a half years of my life I have carried the question of "will this work" around in my head and when it doesn't comes the questions of "why not" and "why me." A part of me thinks we should have stopped after our last IVF but at least this last miscarriage showed us that our problem is genetic, although I am not sure exactly which genetic problem it is yet.

Imagining that there will never be a little Chris and Kate running around makes me sad, but me throwing away another few years of my life on something that most likely won't work makes me even sadder. I told Chris he could leave me but of course he said he never would and that I am important, not the future children we will never have.

So that's that in a nutshell. The new chapter will include adoption but we want to save up for it as opposed to taking out a loan so it will be years and years away unless one or both of us gets a higher paying job. For now, I am just going to plan our next vacation.