The end of a journey

The doctor called me himself Saturday and Sunday mornings...always a bad sign. All of my embryos cleaved again over night and have become very fragmented. They are going to watch them a few more days to see if they "self correct" but we all know they won't so I am coming off my meds today.

There is no point in trying an overstimulation cycle of IVF again, but he wants us to try a clomid IVF cycle with him. He believes my ovaries just don't have the capability of feeding that many eggs at once. So no shots, no crazy hormones besides clomid, just 2 eggs under the scope. If they all cleave also then its a frigging miracle I got pregnant four times as it is because that would be mean I have an intrinsic egg issue.

Chris and I talked about the clomid IVF cycle a lot over the weekend and we have decided that its not something we are interested in. Minimal stimulation IVF cycles have dismal success rates and to do this just as an experiment isn't a good enough reason for me. At the end we are going to end up with the same response we got from the last doctor, "you may have one good egg in there and you may eventually get pregnant on your own." So why bother going through more ridiculous bullshit.

I am ok during the day but have been crying myself to sleep at night. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I will most likely never ever have children. Never. Insane.

Chris really wants to use a relative's donor eggs years down the line and not an anonymous one. First off, I think its funny that everyone assumes my sister would even offer in ten years or whatever. She is a lot younger than I am, plus who knows how much better her eggs are plus it would be there kid, not mine. Oh, and I mind as well say it now but I hated being pregnant with a firey passion. It is probably because I knew at any minute it would all go to shit so I was never able to actually enjoy it.

I will eventually start to crack open the adoption books, but again money is a major issue. Oh well, we can adopt at any age.