Lost

I am grateful that we did IVF because at least now we know that our chances of having a bio child are slim to none even if we don't really know the reason for it. I like to know things, definite things, no more wavering on will I or won't I be pregnant. The answer is no so I can stop even thinking about it on a monthly basis.

I don't think donor eggs is going to be an option for me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that our child will be half DH and half someone else. I don't need to have a bio link to our child, but I feel weird in our child only having a link to one of us. Like he/she will be DH's child and not mine. A child made with someone else's egg versus a baby/embryo we will be adopting together. I am an all or nothing girl. DH doesn't feel strongly that we try donor eggs so I think we will research adoption and embryo donation down the line, with embryo donation being the first option.

The only reason I applied to grad school was so that I could make more money for when we had kids. I am of course going to still go because I simply just don't like to fail but I don't see the point. We live in a little home that we can afford, we no longer need a bigger house. If we go regular adoption it will take us YEARS to save up the money and who knows if we will even be eligible for embryo donation with my pain issues.

WTF am I even doing with myself? Since I am clueless at the time, I have decided to dive back in to studying buddhism. I am hoping to find some comfort. I know there is nothing we can do to change this. It is what it is. It is sad though.